Hello. My name is
Chelsey. And I am a Type A Personality.
I am not going to go
into the "nature vs. nurture" debate here to discuss how I came to
be the way I am…although I do believe the "nurture" part definitely
played a large part in molding my approach to life.
Being the top student
in my class was not really that important to me until junior high, when I
realized that I kept receiving high grades without much effort. Soon, my
competitive streak kicked in and I thought, "Hmmm…imagine my potential if
I actually applied myself and put more effort." Efforts turned into
goals, goals turned into ambition, and ambition turned into competition. If I
wasn't competing against someone else, I was competing against myself. If you
are a FRIENDS fan like me, that may remind you of Monica Gellar when she said,
"I am in a competition with ME - the best kind of competition!"
My family raised me
to always do my best. And after that, to be better than my best. "You're
so smart. You have so much potential. You can do so many things."
And yes - with
smarts, ambition, and the drive - I was ready to conquer the world. I had my
whole life planned at the age of 17. I was going to graduate at the top of my
class, receive a scholarship at a prestigious school where I would do a double
major in modern languages and politics, and then move on to law school. My
linear plan was set - bam, bam, bam - all I needed to do was to make the most
of my time. There was no time to waste, only deadlines and overtime.
But then at the age
of 17, life took a drastic turn that forever changed my perspective on time.
I became diagnosed
with an incurable life-long illness called central nervous system vasculitis,
a neurological illness where my immune system becomes overactive and attacks
the blood cells in my brain. As a result, I could suffer from multiple
neurological symptoms such as coma, seizures, and strokes. (For a full story
on my illness, please click here). Without a cure, I know not when my illness
may attack again. God has blessed me three times so far with full recovery
after each flare-up. I do not live with the disabilities that many people who
live with this diagnosis must endure.
During my first flare
up in 2005, I was hospitalized for three months. I woke up from my coma near
the end of August, and one of my first questions was, "Has school
started?"
You would probably
think that I would have milked this opportunity to lay around in bed,
indulging in leisure, and using my illness to push off finishing my senior
year. But not me…with a central line in my heart and an IV hooked to my arm, I
was still writing letters to my teachers requesting for homework so that I can
keep up with my class.
Determination isn't
always such a detriment. It was determination that propelled me to defy
doctors' prognoses and prove that I CAN still succeed, even with this disease
in my brain. They were convinced that I would live with cognitive disabilities
for the rest of my life, but with hard work, I recovered fully, graduating on
time with my senior class with the top of my class.
But CNS vasculitis
had interrupted my plans. Since I had a late start to my senior year, I was
not able to meet the deadline for university applications. I took a six month
hiatus and reevaluated. I decided to move to the west coast and start my
university career in January. This move turned into one of my biggest
blessings in life as I came to find my passion in social sciences, encountered
wonderful friends, and eventually met and married my husband.
Five years had passed
by without my diagnosis disabling me in any way. In 2011, I had applied to the
social work graduate program in Toronto, and was eager to begin my graduate. I
had my two year outlook: get married, move to Toronto, go to grad school, graduate
with an MSW and start my planned career.
But even the
best-laid plans can be interrupted unexpectedly, and once again my illness
resurfaced and forced me to reevaluate my priorities. My husband and I decided
not to move, and that I would postpone graduate school. Graduate school is -
of course- very stressful, and stress would only exacerbate my illness and
impede recovery.
My bachelor's degree
is only in social sciences, with a certificate in human services, a
concentration in sociology, and a minor in political studies and psychology.
It may all sound great on my resume but it is still not enough to start a
social worker's career without an MSW.
I did recover from my
flare up in 2011, but once again, priorities
shifted and my goals became muddled. What can I do with my life now? Although
I still desired to get my masters degree, I was not sure if it was worth
investing the hundred thousand dollars in tuition at an American university
(as opposed to investing ten thousand dollars in a Canadian university as
originally planned).
My husband started a
new career path in IT that he enjoys. I started a new job as a behavior
technician working with teenagers and children who have special needs, but
even at that job, I hear the voices of my past whispering, "You're so
smart. You can do so much more. You have so much potential. This is not
enough. You are wasting your talent, wasting your time…you are wasting your
life."
The dangers of having
a driven personality is that sometimes you don't know exactly where you are
driving, you just have this sense of urgency that there is always something
better you can do, there is always that next goal to strive for, there is no
peace in your current circumstance.
I think it takes
great strength to be able to reevaluate priorities in life, and accept that
there are some things we cannot change, but we can always change our
perspective. Type A personalities are all about control and are often void of
spontaneity. But as I have learned, a driven personality doesn't always drive
you to where you need to be. Sometimes it takes greater strength to just pause
in life, appreciate the present, and reflect on our current blessings rather
than always focusing our mind on what is next on the list.
I went to church last
weekend and the speaker (Adam Carpenter) said something that really resonated
with me. He referred to the allegory often mentioned in the Bible of people as
sheep and God as our Shepherd. He says that in Biblical times, the shepherds
were the ones who guided their sheep through the pastures. They named them.
They cared for them. Sometimes they were willing to risk their life to protect
them from wolves and other predators. Nowadays, sheep no longer need much of a
shepherd. There are shepherding dogs trained to drive them around in packs.
Farmers can drive vehicles to urge the sheep in the direction that they want.
But the speaker mentioned that we were not meant to be driven, we were meant
to be led. I need to let God lead me rather than let this world drive me
around crazy making me believe that I am never going to be good enough. I need
to stop putting God in the backseat and let Him be the one who drives me to
what I want to do with life, not personal ambition.
It's difficult living
with a chronic illness and a Type A personality. Voices still pester me and
say, "Why aren't you going to grad school? Didn't you plan a better
career for yourself? Why are you resting? Don't you know there is so much to
do?"
It's just a matter of
perspective. I need to appreciate the present rather than processing it as how
I think it should be. Retraining my mind has been a difficult process, but I
am getting there. I still bake too much food when people ask me to bring dessert
to a potluck. I still occasionally scan Craigslist to see if there any
advertisements for jobs that can help advance my career. I still have that
competitive streak when playing board games. Meanwhile, I remind myself:
But competition,
determination and ambition don't drive my life anymore. I have learned to be a
person who is led, rather than driven. I have learned to befriend time rather
than make it my enemy. I have accepted that there are some days where I may be
too tired to clean the house, and sometimes my brain just needs to shut down
and watch a silly movie.
I need to remember
that WHO I am is more important than what I DO.
My journey is the
journey that God has given me and I shouldn't compare it with that of other
people. Envy and regret only distort reality and keep me from accepting and
appreciating the positive aspects of my own life.
I need to stop
anticipating "tomorrow" and live in the "right now."
Sometimes I need to
save my energy for a battle worth fighting. Fighting for my health is more
important than fighting for my career.
1 Peter 4:11 says,
"If anyone ministers, let him do it as with the ability which God
supplies." Therefore I am never too weak, too sick, too small, too poor,
or too "anything" to serve God - I just need to have the heart so
God can use me. And being God's instrument in this world is higher than any
type of worldly success I could have envisioned for myself.
"When
I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a
single bit of talent left and could say, I used everything you gave me."
Erma Bombeck
My name is Chelsey
and I am a recovering Type A personality.