Counting your Miracles... Seven Years Later of Living with CNS Vasculitis

Seven years ago…on July 25, 2005, I was admitted to the Children's Hospital of Eastern Ontario for having stroke symptoms at the age of seventeen years old.


I have a rare neurological illness called primary central nervous system vasculitis. This is when your immune system attacks the blood vessels in your brain causing inflammation, and leads to a variety of neurological symptoms such as strokes, seizures, and coma. In my case, I have had all three and more. If you don't know my full story yet of how I have battled this illness for the last seven years, you can find out more in this link.


Seven years later - after surviving death, permanent brain damage, and cognitive impairment - I have learned a few lessons along the way that many do not get the benefit of discovering in their lifetime. This is what I have learned along the way.




1. Living in the present
People say, "Today is a gift - that is why they call it the present." I never truly appreciated this until death came knocking on my door again and reminded me that every day that my brain is functioning is a gift. Right after my honeymoon in 2011, my illness resurfaced again after 5 years of no symptoms. This life interruption caused me to withdraw my acceptance to graduate school for a masters degree in social work. One year later, I still think of what life would be like right now if my illness hadn't resurfaced. What would life be like if it had brought me down a different path?


But why bother wondering about these "what if" questions? Dwelling on the past will not change it - it just makes you less appreciative of what you have now. You may not be able to change your past but you can change your attitude towards it. Eventually - I came to be thankful that my illness interrupted my life when it did because it led my husband to the best job that has provided well for us, it urged me to rethink my priorities in life, and it confirmed my heart for helping those in need - especially those living with a chronic illness.


2. Leave the worries to God
God feeds the birds of the air and provides for them - and of course He would do so much for us. "Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?" (Matthew 6:26-27)


Worrying is stressful…stress takes away from your life, so really where is the benefit? This was a very hard lesson for me to learn as I am a Type A personality who needs to know everything that is going on, and that everything should have it's own time and place. When uncertainty hits…panic starts building and I need to come up with many back-up plans to fall on.


The most worrying thing that ever happened for me was when my illness hit me last September in 2011 - I had just moved to the United States and was not yet eligible for health insurance. My illness hit me with non stop seizures that lasted for a week, and then followed by a period of non-stop nightmarish hallucinations. Miraculously my brain survived unscathed and I was back on chemotherapy and prednisone for my treatment plan. But this month-long stay in the hospital cost us more than over a quarter of a million dollars…money that we did not have and probably will never have to spare. My husband kept saying to have faith, God will take care of us - but of course, I had trouble with believing something that could happen when I cannot see it. But as Christians, we live by faith and not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7). My husband and I were very blessed when the letter arrived in the mail from the hospital…stating that we had been granted 100% charity care - we were debt free. The enormous medical bill had been forgiven. God definitely came through for us…and what was all my worries for? For nothing. I have learned that it is better to spend less time stressing and worrying about the worst possible outcome, and instead - spend this time leaning on God as your rock. Let Him carry you through the difficult times - exchange your worries for a lighter heart.


3. Rain waters the garden, just like tears water the soul
I used to think that crying was the symbol for weakness. I thought that if I cried - it meant that I was losing…losing an argument, losing a battle, losing at life…I thought crying meant that I was giving in.

From the last seven years of living with this neurological illness, there have been many moments where tears took center stage. And I know there are still many people today - who often cry themselves to sleep because of pain, regret, or worries. Tears can carry with them a healing power…it may not solve a problem, but it offers relief and often the resolve to continue fighting. Suppression of emotions can lead to depression…if you didn't have tears to express your anger, pain and sorrow - there would be a major physiological and psychological imbalance in your body that would lead to more distressing problems. Tears can purify stress and negativity.


So when the tears come - don't fight it. The clouds cry to water the garden, and we cry so we can water our soul. You don't need to schedule a time in the day for your "cry time" - but when the tears do come, let them spill - and then give yourself a gentle hug afterwards to remember that there is still fight in you, and it is only making you stronger.


Charles Dickens said, "Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears, for they are rain upon the blinding dust of earth, overlying our hard hearts."


4. Releasing pain
When you live with a chronic illness, that does not mean all your problems are health-related. It means that you have to live life like everyone else…with your health in mind. I may have almost died at the age of 17 years old, but that was not as difficult as the time when I left my parents' home a year later because of my step-dad's anger. And living with the side effects of chemotherapy was probably just as painful as family heartaches, broken hearts, and anger about the childhood that was robbed from me.


If you are already living with physical pain, why hold on to emotional pain? When you are at a tug of war with anger and blame, you are only wasting your time and strength at a battle with yourself. Release the rope and let it go. Give the pain and hurt to God. Join a support group or talk to a friend and vent your feelings for a good cathartic purge. Don't stack up boxes of pain in your heart - it only weighs you down. And a healthy life starts with a healthy spirit…so release the pain, hold on to hope instead.


5. Find your place of healing
I have started reading a book by Joni Eareckson Tada called "My Place of Healing." Joni is a wonderful engaging author who writes about the difficulties of living as a paraplegic in a wheelchair, experiencing severe pain, and also dealing with cancer. While life has given her many reasons to be bitter, she has used her experience and her faith in God to write a book about remission doesn't always necessarily mean the abatement of symptoms, but it can mean a new attitude to living with the chronic symptoms that you have, and choosing to touch the lives of others through how you live your own life. She says that she has found her place of healing in her wheelchair, because that is where she has brought God the most glory.


I had thought I would bring God glory the most by working as a medical social worker. I thought I could bring joy and comfort to those who needed it most within that career. But when illness interrupted life - I settled on being a stay-at-home wife until I felt that I was fully recovered. Looking back now, I see now that maybe that was where my place of healing was supposed to be. Maybe I was meant to start writing this blog to encourage others around the world who live with a chronic illness or have suffered from life's thorns. And when the time comes for me to move forward to a different place of healing - I trust that God will guide me to where He wants me to be, not where I think I should be.




6. Live - don't just stay alive
Some people with a chronic illness become afraid to live life…and it is sad to see people base their every decision and emotion on their illness. Yes it is true that sometimes people have to be more careful of what they do because of their health - but you shouldn't have an attitude that is ready for your funeral. Laugh harder, smile bigger, love deeper. Live life as beautifully as you can - your life is a testimony to others and an example of faith and strength overcoming obstacles. As Tim McGraw sings, "Someday I hope you get the chance to live like you were dying."


7. Count your miracles.
Some people with my illness unfortunately live with permanent cognitive disabilities or paralysis. I have been blessed to have survived the possible permanent damages of this disease. There is no cure for CNS vasculitis – not right now. I live each day with the possibility that my immune system might attack my brain again. But as I have learned on the way, miracles are not out of reach. 


My little sister wrote an essay about my medical journey. She quoted Albert Einstein when she began her essay with, “There are two ways to live: you can live as if nothing is a miracle; you can live as if everything is a miracle.” Despite everything I’ve gone through, I am happy that I now can see everything as a miracle. Every step I take reminds me that I can walk. Every vibrant color I see reminds me I’m not blind. The fact that I was able to write this story means that I still can read and write. If my illness has taught me anything, it has taught me how to count miracles.


Sometimes your story brings you through trials where you learn how to walk through fire. Sometimes perhaps you are meant to learn from other people's stories.


So count your own miracles. If you have also learned these seven lessons in your life, you too have many miracles to count.


If you value your present time more than you regret the past or worry about the future… that is a miracle.


Every time you leave a worry to God and decide to fully trust Him about it…that is a miracle.


After you cry and resolve to keep fighting because you are stronger than you think you are…that is a miracle.


If you have released anger and pain and have given forgiveness to people who haven't even asked for it…that is a miracle.


If you have found your place of healing where you can touch the lives of others most through your personal story…that is a miracle.


If you are living each day vivaciously rather than just waiting for your last day on Earth to come..that is a miracle.


If you are able to count all these miracles in your life and be thankful for them - even the smallest one - that is also a miracle in itself.


So count your miracles…and don't wait seven years to be thankful for them.

"Nowhere" vs. "Now Here"

How do you know when you are "nowhere" or "now here"? Is there more than just a little space of difference between the two words?

In the last couple months since I have finally stopped my chemotherapy pills and moved on to a different drug for my maintenance medication, I have been waiting for the moment when I can finally say, "Today I am in remission!"

The medical dictionary defines "remission" as "abatement or subsiding of the symptoms of a disease." I know some people who are doing well with their illness, but refuse to call themselves "in remission" until they are off all medications completely. As for me, I call it "remission" when I can live my life freely uninhibited by symptoms or traces of my illness. For central nervous system vasculitis, there are many people who are unfortunate to be living with traces of its neurological symptoms, such as memory loss, trouble with word finding, and other cognitive abilities. I have been blessed to not have any permanent side effects of my illness since my diagnosis, despite all the close calls in the ICU.

I have started looking up jobs online recently, preparing for the day when I feel like I am fully prepared to return to "where I am supposed to be" at this point in my life. When I was seventeen years old - newly diagnosed and just recovering from a coma - I did a month of occupational therapy. Some people think occupational therapy is only for people with severe physical disabilities..for example teaching someone without any hands how to put on their shoes. But people who have just had a major illness flare up can need occupational therapy too…they need to know how to live within their "occupation" with this new illness, or new onset of symptoms. Occupational therapy helps people try to return to a new "normal" with their illness. At 17 years old, my "occupation" was simple - I was an adolescent, a student. But at 24 years old, asking myself what my "occupation" is becomes a more difficult question. I am a young adult, a wife, a university graduate.

The last month has been very busy for me. My husband and I just moved to a new home and I spent a lot of time packing and unpacking. During this busy month, I have had two weddings where I had been the coordinator…and if you've never been a wedding coordinator before, take my advice and always wear comfy shoes even if it doesn't really match your pretty dress…you do a lot of running around!

After each wedding, I have awoken the next day exhausted…dedicating myself to a day of rest. It makes me wonder, "Am I really ready to pursue a full time job in human services? Am I ready to be on my feet forty hours a week? Am I ready to take on the emotions and pleas of the people I will serve?"

In the book "When the heart waits" by Sue Monk Kidd, Kidd mentions that we all need an adjustment time…a time for wobbly wings. Butterflies don't just burst out of their cocoon, soaring to the sun…they need time to integrate to the changers around them. We just need to be patient with ourselves and with our wobbly wings. 

During the last couple of months, I kept thinking that I was "nowhere" - that I was stuck in a limbo between being sick and being in remission. The word "almost" popped up a lot…I am almost healthy, almost energetic, almost ready.

While I was "nowhere," I spent so much time reliving history or devising the future - that I forgot to simply enjoy where my life is at that moment…even if my wings were wobbly. A popular song by Bon Jovi once said, "Right here right now, is exactly where you're supposed to be." I realized I needed to stop thinking that my life was going "nowhere" and that my life is "now here." I need to take advantage of this time in my life…and so during this time I refined my homemaking skills, started this blog, started an online support group, baked cupcakes and wrote encouragement cards for people in the hospital, and decided to get back in full touch with God.

I can't pinpoint the exact day I went into remission when I was 17. It happened sometime during my first semester in university, when I realized I was living independently, my energy was full, and my "occupation" was unhindered by my illness. Remission didn't happen overnight, it happened to me while I was living my life…and came as a lovely gift.

Five years later, I am going into my third round with remission after my third flare up with my illness. I realize that you can't just wake up one day and declare that you are in remission. Waiting to say you are in remission is like waiting on a kettle to boil on the stove. You wait by the stove for it to whistle - saying that it is ready. Eventually you decide to do something else with your time instead of standing by the kettle. When you are not looking, the kettle starts simmering, smoking, and then comes to a rising boil. Finally, the loud whistling lets you know that it is ready.

Remission happens when you are still adjusting to your wobbly wings. Remission starts to simmer as you step out of your comfort zone a little at a time. Remission rises to a boil when you test your strength and find that you can accomplish more than you initially thought. And remission gives you a loud "whistle" when you realize that you are already "now here."

Remission itself is a journey of transformation…from the cocoon to wobbly wings…from "nowhere" to "now here." 

When Pain Becomes Useful

When you are in deep pain - whether it be physical or emotional - someone telling you that this pain will be useful someday is probably the last thing you want to hear.

But it is true - you may not see it right now because you are not omniscient, but your pain today can have many useful reasons in the future. When people bring regular physical exercise back into their routine, their muscles ache and are in pain from being used after having been stagnant for such a long time. But these people persist and continue exercising because they know that "pain is gain," and that the pain they feel at that time is just a few steps away from a healthy fit body.

However that is not the type of pain I am talking about. I am talking about the physical pain that bothers you in the night and prevents you from getting good sleep. I am talking about the painful heartbreak that you thought would never heal. I am talking about the pain of saying goodbye to someone you love and never seeing that person again. I am talking about the pain that comes from a betrayal and you don't know how you can trust others again.

I have felt great pain in my life. This is not a "my pain is bigger than yours game" - everyone's pain is different. And even though I am only in my mid-20s, I have already felt pain from illness, betrayal, and brokenness - even before I turned 20 years old.

During many of the painful times in my life, I couldn't see past the pain. But looking back now, I see how all that pain helped shape the person I am today. It led me into a career path in human services. My previous pain helped me empathize with people who are going through illness, struggling with broken hearts, or feeling lost in the world.

If you are in pain right now, remember that rainbows can't happen without a little rain. Your pain right now can be a few steps away from the best day in your life. Your pain could be bringing you to the best friends you will have. Or your pain could be shaping you into the best possible person you could be. My pain did all of the above for me. I am grateful for how my pain eventually led me to meet my wonderful husband, meet the greatest friends I have today, and helped me become a much better person than I was before my illness attacked me.

And if you have overcome pain in your life, maybe today is that day when your pain becomes useful. How can pain be useful?

Your pain can help you empathize with someone who is going through a similar situation as you. Because you have felt a similar pain, you are in a good position to hold that person's hand and be an example of someone who has overcome such pain.

"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing…not healing, not curing…that is a friend who cares." ~ Henri Nouwen.

Your pain can also be shaping you to be a better version of your previous self. Before my illness, I had less empathy, less patience, less desire to help the less fortunate in the world. My main ambition was to make money and advance in the world with an important career. Looking back on the person who I used to be, I am so grateful for who I am today.

Henri Nouwen also said: Who can save a child from a burning house without the risk of being hurt by the flames? Who can listen to a story of loneliness and despair without taking the risk of experiencing similar pains in his own heart and even losing a precious piece of his mind? In short: "Who can take away suffering without entering it?"

When your pain becomes useful and you are helping someone's suffering, you will be able to enter into that person's suffering because your pain has made you strong enough to handle it. You acquire the strength that you overcome.  And if you feel like you are not ready to enter into someone else's suffering yet, then give it time. The annoying thing about the word "someday" is that you don't really know when that day will come…but when it's there, you will know it.

"On hope and illness"

I wrote this for the new website I just set up. Please check it out here


Having an illness reminds us of the fragility, sacredness, and brokenness of life. With illness, we learn that we are not invincible and nor are those we love. When you have been diagnosed with a life-changing illness, that illness becomes like a pair of shoes that you wear to walk in on the path of life. Sometimes the shoes can pinch your toes and make walking difficult and painful. Sometimes the shoes fit perfectly and your walk is comfortable and carefree. But it is important to remember that the shoes are on your feet, and not on your face. One who walks in a bad pair of shoes still has the choice to walk with a smile on his or her face. Similarly, our illness affects our physical body…but we have a choice on how it can affect our response to life. 

Walking down the path of life with an illness is a serious but hopeful journey. Sometimes your illness redirects your path. Sometimes you are walking on steady ground and sometimes it is rocky. Hope encourages us to continue moving forward even though we do not know where we are going. 

Hope is finding joy in waiting for that which we do not know or are uncertain about. Hope is our comfort when we are waiting for test results, waiting for appointments, waiting for symptoms to subside, waiting for healing, waiting for a cure… 

Having hope means that we know there are people who care about us. Having hope means that we promise ourselves that we will never give up even when others have already done so. Having hope means that we will always look for a detour when we reach a dead end. 

To hope means that we will try again until we succeed. To hope is to believe that we can be the exception to the statistics. To hope is to trust in something that has not yet happened. 

Hope knows that not everything has the perfect answer. Hope knows that tears are part of every difficult journey. 

Hope encourages us to take the next step. Hope encourages us to persevere. Hope encourages us to give hope to others. 

Hope is a light that shines on moments of darkness when you get a bad test result, when your illness flares up, when symptoms get worse. Hope is the power within you to control how you will respond to life’s circumstances. 

Hope holds hands with love and joy. Hope stands up to pessimism and fear. Hope says “yes” when everyone else says “never.” Hope does not believe in the impossible. 

When doubtful questions arise, hope is the answer. 

During your journey down the path of life, let hope guide your footsteps. 

Lessons from a Butterfly

When people think of butterflies, they often think of it flying about with its colourful wings, reflecting the rays of sunlight. People rarely think about the steps the butterfly took to get where it is now…the time spent in the cocoon, incubated in darkness, waiting to be fully formed so it can be strong enough to fly. Maya Angelou says, "We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty."

Every butterfly started out as a caterpillar…and many inspirational stories of hope have their beginnings in a time of darkness, pain, suffering. So what then can we learn from the butterfly?

Incubating in Darkness

Susan Monk Kidd wrote in When the Heart Waits, "To incubate means to create the conditions necessary for development." Such conditions include darkness. Kidd states that darkness is crucial to the process of incubating a new form of life, for it to grow and emerge. Even babies are incubated in darkness in the womb while they wait for birth. Therefore, waiting in darkness does not have to symbolise a terrible process. We can be grateful for this period because this darkness has created conditions necessary for our development and growth.

If you have read my previous post on "Growing from Pain," you can see how darkness in one's life can actually be a positive thing. This time of waiting in the dark can be spent waiting on God to change you and develop you to be the person He wants you to be to further His purpose.

I have waited during several periods of darkness in my life. My greatest period of darkness was when I had just turned 18 years old. I had just been diagnosed with a rare neurological disease, and several months later, I was cast off by my immediate family because of stressful family issues. I was eager to start university in the fall of 2006 at the same time of my peers, but I was not yet ready. My stamina was still not up to par. My heart was still healing. My wings were not fully formed. I emerged from my cocoon in January 2007, after my period of waiting and being incubated in darkness, and found that I emerged at the perfect time to attend the university where God wanted me to attend so I can meet the friends He wanted me to meet. During my first semester of college in spring 2007, my wings were strong and agile. I got a part-time job, a leadership position, enrolled in a fitness class, and found the heart to agree to meet my biological father.

My next period of darkness occurred when I was 23, a couple months shortly after I just got married. My illness had flared up for the second time that year, and I was frustrated and angry at God, wondering why He couldn't let me live a normal life.

But I think God was saying, "I want more than a 'normal' life for you. I want you to develop a heart of compassion. I want you to use again the gift of writing I had given to you. I want you to reach out to the broken and hurting people and give them hope…hope that I can give you while you are waiting in your darkness."

"Like the butterfly, I have the strength and the hope to believe, in time I will emerge from my cocoon…Transformed."

There is a parable about a man who found a butterfly cocoon and decided to save it. One day a small opening appeared, and the man watched as the butterfly struggled to force its body through the little hole. After a while, it seemed like the butterfly could not make any more progress. The man then took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly emerged easily.

However, it emerged with a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. Although it had emerged from the cocoon, it was unable to fly because the wings were not fully formed.

The moral of this story is that although he had good intentions, the man did not understand that the butterfly was not yet ready to emerge from the cocoon. It needed its struggles in the cocoon to make it stronger so that it can fully form its wings. The incubation in darkness was creating the conditions necessary to ready its wings so that it can take flight once it emerged from the cocoon.

If we try to break out of our cocoon too soon, we may emerge with shriveled wings and are unable to reach our full potential because we were impatient during our time of waiting.

Patience has never been one of my strongest virtues. I am still "waiting" in my cocoon right now. A couple months ago, I was filling out an application for the Master's in Social Work program at the University of Washington. I figured that since I was not able to attend my MSW program the year before because of my illness, I can try again. But then I realized, as much as I have the right intentions and the desire to attend graduate school - I was not ready yet. My medications were still not stable. My stamina was still not to par. My wings were not yet fully formed. I was still waiting on God to create the right conditions so that when I emerge, I can fly easily and freely. Today, I trust God that when I do finally emerge from my cocoon - my time spent incubated in darkness will have given me fully formed wings for His purpose.

Many Christians also see the butterfly as a "symbol of hope" as it characterizes the process of disappearing into the cocoon and appearing dead, and then emerging into a beautiful and more powerful creature than before. Like the butterfly, when we emerge from our cocoons, we can trust that we will be stronger than before. The transformation completed during the incubation in darkness has enabled us to fly freely and show off our beautiful colours.

Where are you in life right now? Are you spending your time, incubated in darkness, waiting on God to transform you? Are you struggling to break out of your cocoon?

So whether you are waiting in a cocoon or flying around as a butterfly, relish the moment. Waiting in the cocoon is only preparing you for a stronger, more beautiful version of you. And if you are a butterfly, the colours formed on your wings reflect your lessons learned through your struggles during your time of incubation in darkness. 

"Welcome to Wherever You Are"

I was recently going through old Facebook notes I had published and found one where I had filled out a survey about what is going on in my life. It asked random questions like, "What is your hair like? Who do you have a crush on? Where do you live?"

It's interesting looking back on years past and comparing it to where I am today. Several years ago, I had imagined an entirely different life for me.

When I was 17 years old, I was planning on attending the University of Western Ontario and then eventually moving on to law school to become a criminal lawyer. I was very driven and determined…I figured this plan would be a cinch.

But then I got diagnosed with a rare neurological disease that debilitated me for several months. I ended up moving to the west coast - an unexpected change in plans. Then I wound up applying to a small Christian university - Trinity Western University. The initial plan was to stay there for my first semester, so I can slowly branch out and test myself at living a "normal life" on my own. I ended up loving it there, meeting new friends, changed my major three times to human services, and through friends - I eventually met my husband.

When my husband and I got married, we were planning on moving to Toronto where I was accepted into the social work program there. But at the end of our honeymoon, I got sick again. Once more, my illness was responsible for changing plans.

So my husband and I ended up staying here in the Seattle area. He found a great job and a new career track that he loves. I ended up being the "stay-at-home" wife - and actually liked it. I liked planning new baking projects, working on house projects, and writing encouraging blogs and providing online support to people with an illness via Facebook.

Plans change. Everyone knows that. I always wonder why God allowed for me to get sick again when I had such good intentions. I was hoping to become a medical social worker, and perhaps do my practicum at the only children's clinic for my illness in the world in Toronto. Instead, God brought me here. I am still not sure what I am supposed to be doing "here," - do I return to humans services? Am I making a difference in giving hope to people online? Do people at the hospital appreciate the free baked good I bring?

Bon Jovi sings in their song, "Welcome to wherever you are….You gotta believe, that right here right now, you're exactly where you're supposed to be."

So welcome to wherever you are. Maybe you are like me and you didn't end up where you thought you would be because of an illness, or something else discouraging. I believe that God can use any kind of circumstance for His purpose. Max Lucado wrote a small devotion about the "purpose of pain." That sometimes, people go through pain so that their faith and hope in God can be a witness to people who will be amazed at their peace in suffering. Max Lucado's father died from an illness, and while he was ill, his faith brought a man to Jesus. Max Lucado's father's suffering brought a soul to God which was priceless.

Maybe right now - wherever you are - you are waiting. I am currently waiting. I am waiting for a cure. I am waiting to get the right job. I am waiting to stop my chemotherapy. 

Brandon Heath says this in his song, "Wait and See."

Still wondering why I'm here

Still wrestling with my fear

But oh, He's up to something

And the farther on I go

I've seen enough to know

That I'm, not here for nothing

He's up to something

The apostle Paul intended to speak to the nations about Jesus. Instead of accepting Paul, the people imprisoned him and chained him to hinder his mission. He did not end up where he intended to be…but he was where God intended him to be, because in his prison while in chains, he was able to share his message to the prison guards there.

"Now I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel. As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ. Because of my chains, most of the brothers in the Lord have been encouraged to speak the word of God more courageously and fearlessly. "

Philippians 1:12-14 

So wherever you are in life right now, it is not for nothing. God is with you wherever you go and can use you wherever you are.

Welcome to wherever you are.

"Living Forward"

Today I re-opened an old journal that I had written in a couple of years ago. When I was journaling, I had used it as a form of therapeutic venting…I would write about almost every moment of my life that I thought was interesting, and recount conversations with people that I wanted to remember. Reading these past entries was like going through a time machine and reliving those moments, remembering the exact feelings I had when certain events happened. I couldn't believe the entries that I had written about - all the time wasted on worries, unreturned feelings, and wondering about the future. If only I could have gone back in time and bopped myself on the head to get my act together, and told myself that everything will work out okay in the future.

"When I was a child, I spoke like a child, thought like a child, and reasoned like a child. When I became an adult, I no longer used childish ways" (1 Corinthians 13:11). After rereading these past entries, I can see that I still had childishness in my words, thoughts and reasoning. It took more trials, more challenges, and more questioning for me to grow up and put away childish ways.

In my human services class, one of our projects was to write a guided autobiography. This autobiography helped us to reflect back on significant periods in our life, how they played a role in shaping who we are today, and if there were any leftover ties to the past that needed to be severed, or feelings left unspoken that needed to be let out. It was while writing this autobiography that I was able to completely forgive the hurts from my childhood, learned how to move forward, and understand what inspired me or motivated me.

A marriage counselor once came to speak at my university, and I never forget the analogy that he used when he described counseling married couples. He said that all the hurts and bitterness that are left unresolved in each person's life are carried with them…like in a suitcase. Some people have really heavy suitcases filled with anger, resentment, and bitterness. When two people get married, their suitcases become one big suitcase…so that everything that was in their private suitcase are poured into the same bag. They walk around together carrying this accumulated baggage, and when problems arise in their marriage that don't go resolved - they add that to their baggage. And when they come to a marriage counselor for help, the marriage counselor has to rifle through all the items in their suitcase to be able to pinpoint the problem since they have brought over so much baggage from their personal suitcase. The key lesson was this: take care of your baggage before getting married, or else they will just add to your marital struggles or make them worse. 

After I heard this speaker, I made a personal promise to myself to take care of all my baggage. I was in a serious relationship at that time - to my future husband - and there were so many things in my life that were still left unresolved and unforgiven, and I didn't want to be heading towards a marriage and have my childish ways follow me. I wanted to move forward with my life, unencumbered by my past and open to a bright future. But living forward isn't a one-time process, living forward is a daily journey and a daily choice that we make to keep the past behind us, and the future ahead of us.

How to live forward?

1. Learn from the past, don't live in it.

Everyone has their own suitcase of hurt, anger, pain, and heartbreaking memories. Some people refuse to let their suitcase go, and it only becomes heavier everyday until they're struggling so much that they fall and can't get up. You can't run freely in life when you are carrying tons of baggage. It may take a lot of time, effort, and prayer to finally let go of your baggage, but when you do - the heart will feel so much lighter. The only thing from the past that you should be carrying is lessons learned.

If you have trouble giving your baggage away, just ask Jesus about it - He is always willing to trade baggage with you.

Matthew 11:28-30 “… Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

2. Become friends with forgiveness.

Forgiveness can be difficult for many people. For some, they have been hurt so many times that they don't believe in forgiveness anymore. Some people have made some shameful decisions that they can't forgive themselves. But for every person you haven't yet forgiven, that person is a heavy weight on your heart. Cartherine Ponder said, "When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."

Maybe you think, "But that person hurt me so much! You don't understand. I can't possibly forgive that person!" Forgiving doesn't mean you have to restore a relationship, or even become friends with the person who hurt you - it means that you have forgiven the person and have let go of all feelings of revenge, malice, and anger about that person. You have given that person over to God for Him to judge in the future. When you forgive someone, you are saying, "I am not letting that person have an affect or a hold on me any longer. I am leaving that person to God to be judged in the future."

Some people want retribution right away for all the pain they had to go through, but revenge belongs to God (Romans 12:19), God's revenge will take care of anything left unpunished, and I think one would be more afraid of God's retribution than anyone else's.

3. Don't fear the future

It's been said a lot of times but it's true…worries are a waste of time. My husband would laugh if he heard me say this, since I spend a lot of time thinking "what if" or coming up with all the possible pessimistic outcomes of situations. My worst days with "worry" happened after I was released from a three-week stay in the hospital, without insurance since my husband had no benefits yet with his job. I spent so much time worrying about making the payment…when in the end, all that worry was for nothing because God took care of it and provided 100%.

So instead, replace worries with hope. When you catch yourself thinking, "What if this happens…," instead say, "I hope that God takes care of it." And then say a quick prayer to give your request to God.

For a while, I spent a lot of time worrying that I might get sick again, or that my illness will return with such a heavy blow next time that I may not recover. But I refuse to live my life in fear of the future, because what is the point of living when you are afraid of life?

God knows your future. He takes care of the birds in the air, and He would take even better care of you.