It's been a while
since my last blog post…apologies to my loyal readers! My job has been
stressful and energy-draining at times…it is nice to get in touch with my
writing again and I hope that my words can bring some encouragement to your own
day.
I work as a behavior
technician at a high school. My job involves working with autistic teenagers
and children who have severe behavior problems. At this time, I am not sure how
I feel about pursuing this career track in human services. Several years ago, I
had envisioned myself as a medical social worker - I enjoy reaching out to
others and bringing perspective to their pain so that they can remember that
even the smallest shred of hope can light up the dark. However, my five years
of remission ended and my illness prevented me from going to graduate school to
pursue this career track.
Making plans for
your life is difficult when you live with a chronic illness. After I realized
that I will not be going into medical social work after all, I felt
stuck…motionless…wondering about how would I move forward in life when I can
never be certain about anything. How do I plan a career when I do not know the
next time my illness will flare up? How can I hope to have children someday if
I do not know how much more chemotherapy I might have to endure, which
endangers my fertility? How can I plan anything long-term when I have epileptic
discharge occurring in my brain, setting it up for a seizure at any time?
Recently, I started
reading another book by Henri Nouwen, "The Inner Voice of Love." He
wrote it during an uncertain time in his life when he also wasn't sure about
how he can move forward in life from the depths of his brokenness and despair. He
was going through a different situation but he also felt a similar physical and
emotional kind of pain. This book is basically a published journal of his
musings during this heart wrenching time for him. He wrote a chapter titled,
"Always coming back to the place that is solid." He writes:
"You have to
trust the place that is solid, the place where you can say yes to God's love
even when you do not feel it. Right now you feel nothing except emptiness and
the lack of strength to choose, But keep saying, 'God loves me, and God's love
is enough.' You have to choose the solid place over and over again and return
to it after every failure."
What is solid in
your life? Careers start and stop. Friends come and go. Marriage has its ups
and downs. Kids grow up and move out. Health symptoms can vary on a wide
spectrum of pain.
The dictionary
defines solidness as a "state in which a substance has no tendency to flow
under moderate stress, resists forces that tend to deform it, and retains a
definite size and shape." Looking back on my past experiences, I cannot
tell you that I was the definition of solidness. I did not retain my faith the
way I should have when dealing with my anger in my home situation during my
childhood. When I was diagnosed with a devastating illness, my resilience was
at zero capacity. My faith was shaken. I could be here and gone tomorrow…what
is there in life that I can depend on?
It took some time
and learning that helped me find my "place that is solid."
Remembering that God's love will never fail me helped me to move forward.
Corrie ten Boom said, "If God sends us on strong paths, we are provided
strong shoes."
After facing trials,
often we pray to God and say, "Thank you for lifting me out of this
trial…thank you for helping me overcome this with your help. Thank you that
it's over." But rarely do we thank God for letting us endure that trial.
When we find that we have nothing left in us that can help us overcome what we
are facing, that is when we turn the focus of our faith toward Him. We look
beyond our weaknesses to His strength, and instead of relying on our own wisdom
to solve our problems…we give Him full control.
When I was 17 years
old, I thanked God for healing me from a lamentable illness that almost took my
life. However, it took me several years later to finally thank Him and say,
"Thank you God for letting me walk through the trial of living this illness
with you…thank you for using this illness to let me grow deeper in my faith and
letting me live in a way where I put important things first, and learning to
trust in your love even when I don't feel it."
Sometimes the things
we can't change end up changing us…and when God is at the center of that
change, you can be certain that the change is for His greater good.
I don't know what is
going on in your life right now. If you would like to drop me a message, I
would love to send a reply to you. Maybe you are having trouble with stress at
work like I am. Maybe you are experiencing trouble in your marriage. Maybe your
pain symptoms have been too unbearable to let you fall asleep peacefully.
Whatever you are going through, remember that you can always return to that
solid place…where - as a popular worship song says - God's love never fails,
never gives up, never runs out on you.
