What will you leave behind?

 

I heard this song on the radio when I was young, and was very intrigued with the story and the lyrics. It tells a story of four people on a bus - a farmer, a teacher, a preacher and a hooker. The bus got into an accident, and only one person survived. The song then goes to say what each person left behind on earth before he or she died. The farmer left behind a great farm for his son. The teacher left behind wisdom given to the students. And the preacher left his Bible and gave it to the hooker. The hooker read the Bible to her son, and the son became a preacher and shared this song.

I don't know if this song is based on a true story, but it does have a powerful point - that we don't know when God decides that it is time for us to meet Him. But when that time comes, the song says: "It's not what you take, when you leave this world behind you. It's what you leave behind you when you go."

My parent's told me that when I was in the ICU, I almost died 3 times when I stopped breathing, one time I was losing too much blood, and the other time my blood pressure had dropped way low. If I had died at 17, I don't know how much of a legacy I would have left behind. People at high school would have said, "She was a sweet girl. Very smart. Had good leadership skills. She loved theatre." People from church would have said, "She was great with kids. She volunteered a lot."

But while I was in the ICU, while the doctors were frantically trying to diagnose me, maybe God thought, "No - I have more plans for you, Chelsey - you are not going yet."

And I am so glad I didn't die.  I think I have done much more in the 6 years following my illness, then I did in the first 17 years of my life when I was perfectly healthy. After my diagnosis, I went to the Dominican Republic and helped families in need, and played and sang with orphaned children. I volunteered my time with at-risk youth. I played music for the elderly at the nursing home. I helped give food and clothes to the homeless.

I got sick again in September 2011. I was having constant subclinical seizures, and the doctors told my husband that I may have permanent brain damage if they are not able to stop the seizures soon. But again, God said, "No - I have more plans for you."

When I was recovering, I did not yet understand why I had gotten sick again. I was on my way to going to graduate school for medical social work - but getting sick again put me on a detour from my plan. But God's detours are always better than the plans we make for ourselves. Jesus said in John13:7, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."

After my last flare-up, I started this blog, and an online support group on Facebook for people who live with an illness. And I have been able to reach out to many people around the world, thanks to the Internet.

It may be hard to think about, but we all know that we don't know when our last moment on earth will be. That is why every moment in the present is important. This is why my husband and I never let the sun go down on our anger. Every time we say goodbye, we do it with a kiss and an "I love you" - even if we are just saying goodbye on the phone.

Maybe you think that you are not leaving behind much of a legacy…that you haven't done anything significant in your life. But remember that even a small rock dropped in a pond causes a ripple effect, and the ripple goes on and on and we cannot see how far it goes. That is like how it is with small acts of kindness. Maybe you are like the teacher in this song, and you shared some bits of wisdom with others - who took it with them and helped them make important choices in their lives. Maybe you are like the farmer and you worked hard preparing something for a future generation. Maybe you are like the preacher, and his gift of a Bible helped a lost soul find faith. In this song, the preacher died in the accident - and never got to see what happened when he gave his Bible away to the hooker. But as you see in the song, this one small action caused a ripple effect that led to the woman giving birth to a son, and she read to him from this Bible, and the son became a preacher who shared the Good News.

So don't underestimate the significance of the small acts of kindness you do. Shannon L. Alder said, “Carve your name on hearts, not tombstones. A legacy is etched into the minds of others and the stories they share about you.” 

Although I may not see how far the ripple effect will go, I will continue to live life giving hope to others. So if I unexpectedly get sick again, and God says that this time I will meet Him, I would have been proud of the life I left behind. Because like Emily Dickinson said, "If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain."

Getting Back Up Again

Ever wonder what toddlers think in their head while they are learning to walk? Toddlers usually learn to walk by the time they are 1 year old, but at that time they are not yet speaking full coherent sentences.

Toddlers usually learn to stand on their own first, then take a few small steps - all to the wonder and amazement of the parents - and then fall down. The toddler then returns to crawling again for a while before beginning to walk again.

But after each attempt at walking and at each fall, the parent is still very much encouraging - even coaxing the toddler to stand up and try again.

When the toddler finally is able to maintain balance and start walking independently, it's a joyous moment for the parents since this is a significant developmental accomplishment. After a while and much encouragement, the toddler is finally able to walk on his or her own, even if doing so unsteadily.

When I was 17, I was relearning to walk again. After being diagnosed with central nervous system vasculitis, I had ataxia as a symptom. Ataxia is a neurological sign or symptom that means the lack of coordination or muscle movements. I remember the physical therapist coming to visit me regularly when I was still laying in the hospital bed. The first step was to be able to sit up on my own. I remember the first time I sat up in bed and feeling dizzy and unsteady, after I was laying down for so long. 

The physical therapist came back every single day, to help me try again. He pushed me to do more everyday - more than I thought I could handle. He trusted in my progress more than I trusted in myself, and helped me gain confidence in my abilities. When I was finally able to stand on my own, it was a great feeling. I didn't realize how much I valued the use of my legs until I finally managed to put one foot in front of the other, and walked my first couple of steps.

In life, we also have many attempts and many falls. Sometimes we try things out and they don't work. Sometimes something happens that deters us from the goal we originally desired. Sometimes falling is not our fault, and life gives us something that we trip over along the journey.

TobyMac, in his song, "Get back up," sings:

We lose our way,

We get back up again

Never too late to get back up again,

One day, you gonna shine again,

You may be knocked down but not out forever,

I've had my own falls recently. Last spring in 2011, life was looking like a beautiful adventure. I had just gotten married and my husband and I were leaving for our honeymoon in Europe. Afterward, we were going to move to the other side of the country where I was accepted at the graduate program for social work at the University of Toronto.

But at the end of our honeymoon, I got sick when my illness flared up again. This changed our decision about moving across the country…we thought it wasn't a good idea for me to start a graduate program right after my illness had resurfaced after 6 years. My husband and I then moved near Seattle because of his job, and I was excited to begin a career in the city. But then my illness flared up again - with worse symptoms - and it looked like I would not be living the life I had imagined.

Currently, I am just staying at home. There were  times when I have felt like I was being useless and doing nothing that is meaningful to the world. I may have been close to dying but I didn't think I was close to leaving behind any legacy. This is probably because I know my abilities and I have had the educational training to do much more than just cooking and cleaning in the house.

Charles Swindoll said, "Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it." It took me some time to accept this, but living with an invisible illness will have lots of stumbling blocks and falls. And like a toddler, I will have to get up after each fall and try walking those few steps again.

When we fall in life, we also have a wonderful Parent who is coaxing us and encouraging us to get back up on our feet. God is the Father who is there every time we fall, and offers His hand to help us get back up on our feet and try again. He is much better than a physical therapist, because He knows the plans He has for us (Jeremiah 29:11). And after each time we fall, we only need to hold his hand so we can stay in His plan.

I am not just speaking literally about getting back up on our feet. Look at Christopher Reevs - the man who played Superman in the original movies. After an equestrian accident, he became a quadriplegic. But he was able to "get back up again" with his spirit of hope through his struggles, and continued to be an inspiration for many. You don't need to be 100% physically capable in order to let a little light shine in this world. A heart of hope in the midst of trials can bring encouragement…and if you encourage even just one person…that is enough, because even a whole room can be lit up as one candle passes its flame to another.

A Bridge Over Troubled Water

Henri Nouwen said that "authentic messengers" are "those who are able to put the full range of their life-experiences - their experiences in prayer, in conversation, and in their lonely hours - at the disposal of those who ask them… (It) means offering your own life-experience to your fellow travelers, and as Paul Simon sings, to lay yourself down like a bridge over troubled water" (Nouwen, Creative Ministry).

Henri Nouwen is one of my favourite authors - I discovered him when we read his book The Wounded Healer for my human services class. Through his book, we learned to be helpers who take our wounds and allow them to be a source of healing for those who are wounded:  "Nobody escapes being wounded. We all are wounded people, whether physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. The main question is not "How can we hide our wounds?" so we don't have to be embarrassed, but "How can we put our woundedness in the service of others?" When our wounds cease to be a source of shame, and become a source of healing, we have become wounded healers. Jesus is God's wounded healer: through his wounds we are healed. Jesus' suffering and death brought joy and life. His humiliation brought glory; his rejection brought a community of love. As followers of Jesus we can also allow our wounds to bring healing to others" (Nouwen, The Wounded Healer).

Troubled waters present uncertainty, doubt, fear, anxiety and the unknown. Sometimes when a friend needs us, we can be a bridge for them because we also have wounds and therefore can sympathize and understand what they are going through. We can be a bridge from a heavy heart to a lighthearted smile, from doubt to hope, from anxiety to peace.

When people who are afraid of heights are walking over a bridge across troubled water, they are afraid to look down. If they look down they see water beneath them and the thought of falling off crosses their mind and distracts them from their goal of reaching the other side. When you are with a friend who needs help, he or she may dwell on the problems that cannot be solved and fear might prevent that person from moving forward. As wounded healers, we understand and remember when we were once anxious and afraid of the unknown, and feared crossing the bridge over troubled water to the other side. Sometimes the best kind of friend you can be is to share in the wounds of others, and stay with them during their hour of grief or loneliness. Sometimes the best gift to give is not advice, solution, or a cure, but a hand to hold while crossing the bridge.

A Strength that Lasts

Today I saw my neurologist and he told me that he would like me to try a new seizure medication (my fifth one!) and hopefully this time, I won't develop any more allergies. The reason for this is that my last EEG showed that there are areas in my brain still at risk for seizures, and being on this medication will help prevent me from having another episode of severe subclinical seizures.

I wouldn't mind the medications if it weren't for the side effects. Another big side effect of this seizure medication is fatigue - which is usual for seizure medications. However I was a bit disappointed to hear that I might be more tired again, just as I was beginning to regain my old energy levels.

Last fall, I was on three types of seizure medications that caused me severe fatigue. I was so weak that my husband was kind enough to always carry all the grocery bags from the car to the house. Physical weakness is a part of life…sometimes we feel weak when we are sick, and as adults get older, they begin to lose physical strength.

We do not have much control over how physically strong we are. No matter how much I lift weights, I am probably too small to ever be as physically strong as my husband. But there is another kind of strength that we have control over.

It is the strength of the heart. When I was 17 years old and my body started deteriorating in the ICU because of my illness, my parents told me that other organs began failing too and it was only my heart that was keeping strong - probably because I was a physically active teenager. However, I am not talking about that kind of "strong heart" - I am talking about a heart of hope, faith and courage.

While we may not be able to control our physical strength, we can always CHOOSE the strength of our heart. When faced with trials, you can choose the level of your courage. Do you retreat and wait for the trial to pass you by, or do you face it with courage and let your trial make you stronger than the person you were before?

A heart of strength is what helps you endure when life gets rocky. When I was weak from the chemotherapy and fatigued from the seizure medications, it was my heart of strength that led me to write this blog, so I can share my hope in everyday with all of you.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "We acquire the strength we have overcome." The next time you face times of trouble, remember that it is during these times of trouble that we have the opportunity to grow deeper in faith, and strengthen our hearts.

Richard E.Byrd said, "Few (people) during their lifetime come anywhere near exhausting the resources dwelling within them. There are deep wells of strength that are never used."  Never underestimate the strength of your heart. Whenever you feel like you are not strong enough to handle what you are going through, know that there is a God who loves you and has promised to give you His strength when you ask for it. Psalm 138:3, "When I called, you answered me; you made me bold and stouthearted."

A heart of strength also requires daily exercise to keep it strong. You can maintain your heart of strength with positive thinking, counting your blessings, living with hope, and finding the purpose in the pain.

I choose to let my heart be stronger than the sum of all my problems.

To let my faith be always stronger than my health.

To let my hope always be stronger than central nervous system vasculitis

And, "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13