Tears and Blessings

Hi everyone...I've been crying a lot lately...don't get too worried...cytoxan makes me highly emotional...so when I feel sad it gets heightened and I cry even when I don't want to or need to...I cried at a Glee episode when they were feeding homeless children, so that's just an example of how silly my tears sometimes are.

But we all need someone to wipe away the tears when they are there. I am grateful to have my husband - he's been so supportive and understanding and strong through everything. And I am grateful to God who holds me in the palm of His hand when I can't hold myself up.

In my one of my other blogs, I mentioned that I was currently on a seizure medication because I was allergic to the last one. Well, it turns out I was allergic to this one too…it gave me a systemic allergic reaction which included another body rash and an on-and-off fever that lasted for three days.

Everyday I have prayed to God for healing…for a cure…to finally let my physical body move on from my last flare ups with central nervous system vasculitis. But when I saw my doctors recently, it didn't really encourage me to think that I was well on my way to remission.

My rheumatologist told me that I probably have the lowest grade form of lupus…another autoimmune disease. He asked me if I knew this because he read through my entire medical record (God bless the doctors who seek to actually know your medical history!) and found that my kidney biopsy from when I was 17 indicated that I may have lupus with primary central nervous system involvement. He said not to worry…since when I am treated for CNS vasculitis, it also treats the lupus…and that I am still being treated as if I was a primary CNS vasculitis patient anyway, since the main problem lies in my bran and not my kidney.

My neurologist told me that my EEG showed that I was having epileptal discharge - which indicates that I am still at risk for having seizures. Because I am now allergic to different classes of seizure medications, my neurologist and I are operating on the theory that as long as my vasculitis is being managed, I do not need seizure medications since my seizures are caused by my vasculitis - even though this goes against what the textbook says about epileptal discharges.

So I didn't really walk away from my medical appointments with a hopeful heart…I was thinking about how much longer I would need to be on chemotherapy, and what the possibility is for me going into status epilepticus again.

For those of you who don't know, status epilepticus is when your brain is in a state of constant subclinical nonconvulsive seizures. You would not know you are in status epilepticus unless you are hooked to an EEG machine that monitors and records your brain activity. Status epilepticus is even more dangerous than regular convulsive seizures because it can cause permanent brain damage if proper medical action is not taken right away.

But out of my illness, God has brought good. If you read my first post, you can read about how my life changed for the better after I was diagnosed with central nervous system vasculitis at 17.

My illness flared up again after 6 years in May 2011 with optic neuritis - it prevented me from moving to Toronto to attend graduate school. But because we didn't move, my husband was able to find a great job to support us. Optic neuritis was a trial that was a blessing in disguise.

 In September, my illness flared up again…and during that time of sadness and questioning that followed my discharge from the hospital, I created this blog and created the support group HOPE so I can bring together others who need hope in their lives when they are weak or weary.

If you read through the Bible, you will find that God can bring so much blessings out of your trials..

Look at the story of Joseph..he was sold into slavery so that he can save Egypt and other people from a terrible famine.

Job lost everything…he lost his possessions, his family passed away, and he was inflicted with a severe illness. But it was during his time of trial that his faith grew stronger in God and became a testimony to those who scoffed at God during the bad times in their life.

 And look at Paul, out of his suffering, he has advanced the message of God. He said:  "Now I want you to know, brothers and sisters, that what has happened to me has actually served to advance the gospel. As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ.   And because of my chains, most of the brothers and sisters have become confident in the Lord and dare all the more to proclaim the gospel without fear."

What chains do you have that you can use to serve God and others? My chains are called central nervous system vasculitis…it chains me to the wall of medical appointments, physical limitations, chemotherapy, medical expenses…but through my story and through my faith, I hope that I can bring joy and comfort to those.

"That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong" (2 Corinthians 2:10).

If you are going through difficult times, reflect on how you can bring something positive out of it. The stories that we have lived shape our character…and everyone has a story where hearts have been broken or tears have been shed. When you share what you have learned from your own story to others, they can be encouraged and blessed by your own story too. If you would like to share your story, feel free to message me or post your story below.

Laura Story is a wonderful Christian singer who wrote an amazing song based on her own trials. Her husband suffered from brain tumors. This is from her song:

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops

What if Your healing comes through tears

And what if a thousand sleepless nights

Are what it takes to know You’re near

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life

Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

And what if trials of this life

The rain, the storms, the hardest nights

Are Your mercies in disguise

And when God is silent during your trials, remember that God sometimes allows us to suffer because he is strengthening us during our weaknesses for a greater purpose. Think about the most significant unanswered prayer  in history. Jesus prayed, "O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me" (Matt. 26:39). This prayer was not answered and several hours later, Jesus was nailed to the cross. It was because God brought forth the greatest blessing from a great trial…He had a greater purpose for His Son… For God so loved the world that He sent His only begotten Son - to die on the cross - so that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16).


Winston Churchill said, "if you are going through hell, keep going."
I say, "If you're going through trials..emerge victoriously with all the blessings that you can reap from it."

God has a purpose for everything. Blessings can come from trials…and when you share your story of trials with others, you share your blessings too.