When Pain Becomes Useful

When you are in deep pain - whether it be physical or emotional - someone telling you that this pain will be useful someday is probably the last thing you want to hear.

But it is true - you may not see it right now because you are not omniscient, but your pain today can have many useful reasons in the future. When people bring regular physical exercise back into their routine, their muscles ache and are in pain from being used after having been stagnant for such a long time. But these people persist and continue exercising because they know that "pain is gain," and that the pain they feel at that time is just a few steps away from a healthy fit body.

However that is not the type of pain I am talking about. I am talking about the physical pain that bothers you in the night and prevents you from getting good sleep. I am talking about the painful heartbreak that you thought would never heal. I am talking about the pain of saying goodbye to someone you love and never seeing that person again. I am talking about the pain that comes from a betrayal and you don't know how you can trust others again.

I have felt great pain in my life. This is not a "my pain is bigger than yours game" - everyone's pain is different. And even though I am only in my mid-20s, I have already felt pain from illness, betrayal, and brokenness - even before I turned 20 years old.

During many of the painful times in my life, I couldn't see past the pain. But looking back now, I see how all that pain helped shape the person I am today. It led me into a career path in human services. My previous pain helped me empathize with people who are going through illness, struggling with broken hearts, or feeling lost in the world.

If you are in pain right now, remember that rainbows can't happen without a little rain. Your pain right now can be a few steps away from the best day in your life. Your pain could be bringing you to the best friends you will have. Or your pain could be shaping you into the best possible person you could be. My pain did all of the above for me. I am grateful for how my pain eventually led me to meet my wonderful husband, meet the greatest friends I have today, and helped me become a much better person than I was before my illness attacked me.

And if you have overcome pain in your life, maybe today is that day when your pain becomes useful. How can pain be useful?

Your pain can help you empathize with someone who is going through a similar situation as you. Because you have felt a similar pain, you are in a good position to hold that person's hand and be an example of someone who has overcome such pain.

"The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing…not healing, not curing…that is a friend who cares." ~ Henri Nouwen.

Your pain can also be shaping you to be a better version of your previous self. Before my illness, I had less empathy, less patience, less desire to help the less fortunate in the world. My main ambition was to make money and advance in the world with an important career. Looking back on the person who I used to be, I am so grateful for who I am today.

Henri Nouwen also said: Who can save a child from a burning house without the risk of being hurt by the flames? Who can listen to a story of loneliness and despair without taking the risk of experiencing similar pains in his own heart and even losing a precious piece of his mind? In short: "Who can take away suffering without entering it?"

When your pain becomes useful and you are helping someone's suffering, you will be able to enter into that person's suffering because your pain has made you strong enough to handle it. You acquire the strength that you overcome.  And if you feel like you are not ready to enter into someone else's suffering yet, then give it time. The annoying thing about the word "someday" is that you don't really know when that day will come…but when it's there, you will know it.

"On hope and illness"

I wrote this for the new website I just set up. Please check it out here


Having an illness reminds us of the fragility, sacredness, and brokenness of life. With illness, we learn that we are not invincible and nor are those we love. When you have been diagnosed with a life-changing illness, that illness becomes like a pair of shoes that you wear to walk in on the path of life. Sometimes the shoes can pinch your toes and make walking difficult and painful. Sometimes the shoes fit perfectly and your walk is comfortable and carefree. But it is important to remember that the shoes are on your feet, and not on your face. One who walks in a bad pair of shoes still has the choice to walk with a smile on his or her face. Similarly, our illness affects our physical body…but we have a choice on how it can affect our response to life. 

Walking down the path of life with an illness is a serious but hopeful journey. Sometimes your illness redirects your path. Sometimes you are walking on steady ground and sometimes it is rocky. Hope encourages us to continue moving forward even though we do not know where we are going. 

Hope is finding joy in waiting for that which we do not know or are uncertain about. Hope is our comfort when we are waiting for test results, waiting for appointments, waiting for symptoms to subside, waiting for healing, waiting for a cure… 

Having hope means that we know there are people who care about us. Having hope means that we promise ourselves that we will never give up even when others have already done so. Having hope means that we will always look for a detour when we reach a dead end. 

To hope means that we will try again until we succeed. To hope is to believe that we can be the exception to the statistics. To hope is to trust in something that has not yet happened. 

Hope knows that not everything has the perfect answer. Hope knows that tears are part of every difficult journey. 

Hope encourages us to take the next step. Hope encourages us to persevere. Hope encourages us to give hope to others. 

Hope is a light that shines on moments of darkness when you get a bad test result, when your illness flares up, when symptoms get worse. Hope is the power within you to control how you will respond to life’s circumstances. 

Hope holds hands with love and joy. Hope stands up to pessimism and fear. Hope says “yes” when everyone else says “never.” Hope does not believe in the impossible. 

When doubtful questions arise, hope is the answer. 

During your journey down the path of life, let hope guide your footsteps. 

Lessons from a Butterfly

When people think of butterflies, they often think of it flying about with its colourful wings, reflecting the rays of sunlight. People rarely think about the steps the butterfly took to get where it is now…the time spent in the cocoon, incubated in darkness, waiting to be fully formed so it can be strong enough to fly. Maya Angelou says, "We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty."

Every butterfly started out as a caterpillar…and many inspirational stories of hope have their beginnings in a time of darkness, pain, suffering. So what then can we learn from the butterfly?

Incubating in Darkness

Susan Monk Kidd wrote in When the Heart Waits, "To incubate means to create the conditions necessary for development." Such conditions include darkness. Kidd states that darkness is crucial to the process of incubating a new form of life, for it to grow and emerge. Even babies are incubated in darkness in the womb while they wait for birth. Therefore, waiting in darkness does not have to symbolise a terrible process. We can be grateful for this period because this darkness has created conditions necessary for our development and growth.

If you have read my previous post on "Growing from Pain," you can see how darkness in one's life can actually be a positive thing. This time of waiting in the dark can be spent waiting on God to change you and develop you to be the person He wants you to be to further His purpose.

I have waited during several periods of darkness in my life. My greatest period of darkness was when I had just turned 18 years old. I had just been diagnosed with a rare neurological disease, and several months later, I was cast off by my immediate family because of stressful family issues. I was eager to start university in the fall of 2006 at the same time of my peers, but I was not yet ready. My stamina was still not up to par. My heart was still healing. My wings were not fully formed. I emerged from my cocoon in January 2007, after my period of waiting and being incubated in darkness, and found that I emerged at the perfect time to attend the university where God wanted me to attend so I can meet the friends He wanted me to meet. During my first semester of college in spring 2007, my wings were strong and agile. I got a part-time job, a leadership position, enrolled in a fitness class, and found the heart to agree to meet my biological father.

My next period of darkness occurred when I was 23, a couple months shortly after I just got married. My illness had flared up for the second time that year, and I was frustrated and angry at God, wondering why He couldn't let me live a normal life.

But I think God was saying, "I want more than a 'normal' life for you. I want you to develop a heart of compassion. I want you to use again the gift of writing I had given to you. I want you to reach out to the broken and hurting people and give them hope…hope that I can give you while you are waiting in your darkness."

"Like the butterfly, I have the strength and the hope to believe, in time I will emerge from my cocoon…Transformed."

There is a parable about a man who found a butterfly cocoon and decided to save it. One day a small opening appeared, and the man watched as the butterfly struggled to force its body through the little hole. After a while, it seemed like the butterfly could not make any more progress. The man then took a pair of scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly emerged easily.

However, it emerged with a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. Although it had emerged from the cocoon, it was unable to fly because the wings were not fully formed.

The moral of this story is that although he had good intentions, the man did not understand that the butterfly was not yet ready to emerge from the cocoon. It needed its struggles in the cocoon to make it stronger so that it can fully form its wings. The incubation in darkness was creating the conditions necessary to ready its wings so that it can take flight once it emerged from the cocoon.

If we try to break out of our cocoon too soon, we may emerge with shriveled wings and are unable to reach our full potential because we were impatient during our time of waiting.

Patience has never been one of my strongest virtues. I am still "waiting" in my cocoon right now. A couple months ago, I was filling out an application for the Master's in Social Work program at the University of Washington. I figured that since I was not able to attend my MSW program the year before because of my illness, I can try again. But then I realized, as much as I have the right intentions and the desire to attend graduate school - I was not ready yet. My medications were still not stable. My stamina was still not to par. My wings were not yet fully formed. I was still waiting on God to create the right conditions so that when I emerge, I can fly easily and freely. Today, I trust God that when I do finally emerge from my cocoon - my time spent incubated in darkness will have given me fully formed wings for His purpose.

Many Christians also see the butterfly as a "symbol of hope" as it characterizes the process of disappearing into the cocoon and appearing dead, and then emerging into a beautiful and more powerful creature than before. Like the butterfly, when we emerge from our cocoons, we can trust that we will be stronger than before. The transformation completed during the incubation in darkness has enabled us to fly freely and show off our beautiful colours.

Where are you in life right now? Are you spending your time, incubated in darkness, waiting on God to transform you? Are you struggling to break out of your cocoon?

So whether you are waiting in a cocoon or flying around as a butterfly, relish the moment. Waiting in the cocoon is only preparing you for a stronger, more beautiful version of you. And if you are a butterfly, the colours formed on your wings reflect your lessons learned through your struggles during your time of incubation in darkness. 

"Welcome to Wherever You Are"

I was recently going through old Facebook notes I had published and found one where I had filled out a survey about what is going on in my life. It asked random questions like, "What is your hair like? Who do you have a crush on? Where do you live?"

It's interesting looking back on years past and comparing it to where I am today. Several years ago, I had imagined an entirely different life for me.

When I was 17 years old, I was planning on attending the University of Western Ontario and then eventually moving on to law school to become a criminal lawyer. I was very driven and determined…I figured this plan would be a cinch.

But then I got diagnosed with a rare neurological disease that debilitated me for several months. I ended up moving to the west coast - an unexpected change in plans. Then I wound up applying to a small Christian university - Trinity Western University. The initial plan was to stay there for my first semester, so I can slowly branch out and test myself at living a "normal life" on my own. I ended up loving it there, meeting new friends, changed my major three times to human services, and through friends - I eventually met my husband.

When my husband and I got married, we were planning on moving to Toronto where I was accepted into the social work program there. But at the end of our honeymoon, I got sick again. Once more, my illness was responsible for changing plans.

So my husband and I ended up staying here in the Seattle area. He found a great job and a new career track that he loves. I ended up being the "stay-at-home" wife - and actually liked it. I liked planning new baking projects, working on house projects, and writing encouraging blogs and providing online support to people with an illness via Facebook.

Plans change. Everyone knows that. I always wonder why God allowed for me to get sick again when I had such good intentions. I was hoping to become a medical social worker, and perhaps do my practicum at the only children's clinic for my illness in the world in Toronto. Instead, God brought me here. I am still not sure what I am supposed to be doing "here," - do I return to humans services? Am I making a difference in giving hope to people online? Do people at the hospital appreciate the free baked good I bring?

Bon Jovi sings in their song, "Welcome to wherever you are….You gotta believe, that right here right now, you're exactly where you're supposed to be."

So welcome to wherever you are. Maybe you are like me and you didn't end up where you thought you would be because of an illness, or something else discouraging. I believe that God can use any kind of circumstance for His purpose. Max Lucado wrote a small devotion about the "purpose of pain." That sometimes, people go through pain so that their faith and hope in God can be a witness to people who will be amazed at their peace in suffering. Max Lucado's father died from an illness, and while he was ill, his faith brought a man to Jesus. Max Lucado's father's suffering brought a soul to God which was priceless.

Maybe right now - wherever you are - you are waiting. I am currently waiting. I am waiting for a cure. I am waiting to get the right job. I am waiting to stop my chemotherapy. 

Brandon Heath says this in his song, "Wait and See."

Still wondering why I'm here

Still wrestling with my fear

But oh, He's up to something

And the farther on I go

I've seen enough to know

That I'm, not here for nothing

He's up to something

The apostle Paul intended to speak to the nations about Jesus. Instead of accepting Paul, the people imprisoned him and chained him to hinder his mission. He did not end up where he intended to be…but he was where God intended him to be, because in his prison while in chains, he was able to share his message to the prison guards there.

"Now I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel. As a result, it has become clear throughout the whole palace guard and to everyone else that I am in chains for Christ. Because of my chains, most of the brothers in the Lord have been encouraged to speak the word of God more courageously and fearlessly. "

Philippians 1:12-14 

So wherever you are in life right now, it is not for nothing. God is with you wherever you go and can use you wherever you are.

Welcome to wherever you are.