"Living Forward"

Today I re-opened an old journal that I had written in a couple of years ago. When I was journaling, I had used it as a form of therapeutic venting…I would write about almost every moment of my life that I thought was interesting, and recount conversations with people that I wanted to remember. Reading these past entries was like going through a time machine and reliving those moments, remembering the exact feelings I had when certain events happened. I couldn't believe the entries that I had written about - all the time wasted on worries, unreturned feelings, and wondering about the future. If only I could have gone back in time and bopped myself on the head to get my act together, and told myself that everything will work out okay in the future.

"When I was a child, I spoke like a child, thought like a child, and reasoned like a child. When I became an adult, I no longer used childish ways" (1 Corinthians 13:11). After rereading these past entries, I can see that I still had childishness in my words, thoughts and reasoning. It took more trials, more challenges, and more questioning for me to grow up and put away childish ways.

In my human services class, one of our projects was to write a guided autobiography. This autobiography helped us to reflect back on significant periods in our life, how they played a role in shaping who we are today, and if there were any leftover ties to the past that needed to be severed, or feelings left unspoken that needed to be let out. It was while writing this autobiography that I was able to completely forgive the hurts from my childhood, learned how to move forward, and understand what inspired me or motivated me.

A marriage counselor once came to speak at my university, and I never forget the analogy that he used when he described counseling married couples. He said that all the hurts and bitterness that are left unresolved in each person's life are carried with them…like in a suitcase. Some people have really heavy suitcases filled with anger, resentment, and bitterness. When two people get married, their suitcases become one big suitcase…so that everything that was in their private suitcase are poured into the same bag. They walk around together carrying this accumulated baggage, and when problems arise in their marriage that don't go resolved - they add that to their baggage. And when they come to a marriage counselor for help, the marriage counselor has to rifle through all the items in their suitcase to be able to pinpoint the problem since they have brought over so much baggage from their personal suitcase. The key lesson was this: take care of your baggage before getting married, or else they will just add to your marital struggles or make them worse. 

After I heard this speaker, I made a personal promise to myself to take care of all my baggage. I was in a serious relationship at that time - to my future husband - and there were so many things in my life that were still left unresolved and unforgiven, and I didn't want to be heading towards a marriage and have my childish ways follow me. I wanted to move forward with my life, unencumbered by my past and open to a bright future. But living forward isn't a one-time process, living forward is a daily journey and a daily choice that we make to keep the past behind us, and the future ahead of us.

How to live forward?

1. Learn from the past, don't live in it.

Everyone has their own suitcase of hurt, anger, pain, and heartbreaking memories. Some people refuse to let their suitcase go, and it only becomes heavier everyday until they're struggling so much that they fall and can't get up. You can't run freely in life when you are carrying tons of baggage. It may take a lot of time, effort, and prayer to finally let go of your baggage, but when you do - the heart will feel so much lighter. The only thing from the past that you should be carrying is lessons learned.

If you have trouble giving your baggage away, just ask Jesus about it - He is always willing to trade baggage with you.

Matthew 11:28-30 “… Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

2. Become friends with forgiveness.

Forgiveness can be difficult for many people. For some, they have been hurt so many times that they don't believe in forgiveness anymore. Some people have made some shameful decisions that they can't forgive themselves. But for every person you haven't yet forgiven, that person is a heavy weight on your heart. Cartherine Ponder said, "When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free."

Maybe you think, "But that person hurt me so much! You don't understand. I can't possibly forgive that person!" Forgiving doesn't mean you have to restore a relationship, or even become friends with the person who hurt you - it means that you have forgiven the person and have let go of all feelings of revenge, malice, and anger about that person. You have given that person over to God for Him to judge in the future. When you forgive someone, you are saying, "I am not letting that person have an affect or a hold on me any longer. I am leaving that person to God to be judged in the future."

Some people want retribution right away for all the pain they had to go through, but revenge belongs to God (Romans 12:19), God's revenge will take care of anything left unpunished, and I think one would be more afraid of God's retribution than anyone else's.

3. Don't fear the future

It's been said a lot of times but it's true…worries are a waste of time. My husband would laugh if he heard me say this, since I spend a lot of time thinking "what if" or coming up with all the possible pessimistic outcomes of situations. My worst days with "worry" happened after I was released from a three-week stay in the hospital, without insurance since my husband had no benefits yet with his job. I spent so much time worrying about making the payment…when in the end, all that worry was for nothing because God took care of it and provided 100%.

So instead, replace worries with hope. When you catch yourself thinking, "What if this happens…," instead say, "I hope that God takes care of it." And then say a quick prayer to give your request to God.

For a while, I spent a lot of time worrying that I might get sick again, or that my illness will return with such a heavy blow next time that I may not recover. But I refuse to live my life in fear of the future, because what is the point of living when you are afraid of life?

God knows your future. He takes care of the birds in the air, and He would take even better care of you. 

"When Hope is Blind"

Hi everyone! I have recently started writing another blog dedicated to devotional posts. I decided to include my latest devotional as a post here, but please check out this blog for more devotional posts to come: Hope for the Spirit

THE WORD:

"Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see."

Hebrews 11:1 (NLT)

" For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently."

Romans 8:24 (NLT)

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

 Romans 8:38-39 (NLT)

 

DEVOTION:

Some people give up on hope because they lose focus on the possibilities. They give up and claim that it is a "lost cause" because they are tired of hoping for something they cannot see.

With a rare and incurable neurological disease, I live each day with the possibility that my illness can return at any time. Maybe with new symptoms. Maybe with permanent brain damage. Maybe the next time God will call me Home. Despite all these possibilities, I continue to hope that I will get better, and that one day - a cure can be found…even for such a rare illness as mine.

Some people give up on hope because it has disappointed them too many times. I was diagnosed with my illness at the age of 17, and it has struck me two more times since then with different symptoms. There was a point when I thought, "Will I ever be rid of this illness? Will it always be haunting my life?"

Hope is the desire that there is something better around the corner. When hope is blind, you cannot see what awaits you around this corner. That is why hope holds hands with faith…because faith "gives us assurance about things we cannot see" (Hebrews 11:1).

I don't know if a cure will ever be found for my illness in my lifetime. I don't know if I might be hospitalized again this year. But I continue to hope that the sun will still rise even after the darkest and coldest night.

For Christians, our hope is fueled by God's love. No matter what happens in this lifetime, our hope in God will never disappoint us. When life brings tears and pain, God says, "Hold on. I have much better things waiting for you."

So during the times of trials, we hold on to hope that God's purpose in this pain will be revealed to us. We remember that only God sees the full picture, and He knows what is around the corner. Blessings can spring out of burdens. Hopefulness can come from helplessness. Love can bloom from what once was lost. And when you have trouble keeping hope in God, remember "that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us" (Romans 8:18). 

So you don't have to worry when your hope is blind, because God is omniscient and has a plan for you, plans to give you hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11).

"God is the reason why even in pain, I smile; In confusion, I understand; and in fear, I continue to fight." (Unknown)

PRAYER:

Dear God, You know everything about me and about my life. I am limited but you are an unlimited God. When I am ready to give up hope when life brings me down, please remind me that Your ways are higher than my ways, and that Your thoughts are higher than my thoughts. I may not understand now why I am going through this pain, but I understand that You work everything for Your glory. Although my hope is blind, help me to be patient for Your answer, Your rescue, and Your coming kingdom. Amen.

 

APPLICATION:

What do you hope for right now? How can you remind yourself to keep holding on? How would you encourage someone to hold on to hope when he or she is ready to give up? Do you think that faith in God makes a difference in hope?

WORSHIP:

"Before the Morning" - Josh Wilson

"Would you dare, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

Would dare you, would you dare, to believe,
that you still have a reason to sing,
'cause the pain you've been feeling,
can't compare to the joy that's coming

Com'n, you got to wait for the light
press on, just fight the good fight
because the pain you've been feeling,
it's just the hurt before the healing
the pain you've been feeling,
just the dark before the morning"

If I could write a letter to me....

There is a popular song by Brad Paisley called, "Letter to Me," Play the song and listen to the lyrics. Brad Paisley talks about how he would write a letter to himself at the age of 17 from the perspective of his older, wiser self. He tells his 17-year-old self that although he has a broken heart, it will heal. He tells himself to hug his aunt as much as he can, and to thank his teacher for having faith in him through all the years. He tells himself that "at 17 it's hard to see past Friday night." He also tells himself that he regrets not taking Spanish. But despite everything that happened to him at 17, he says, "you'll still be around to write a letter to me."

How would you write a letter to yourself? Can you think back to a time when it seemed like that life just couldn't get any worse? Maybe there was a certain period in your life that was filled with uncertainties and you couldn't imagine how it could all get better.

I am only 24 years old, but I know that I am definitely wiser than the person I was at 17. There is a saying that you could base your age not on the number of years you have, but on your experience.

There was a time when I was 17 when life became the opposite of how I imagined it would be. I was just diagnosed with CNS vasculitis, partially bald from a brain biopsy, bloated on steroids, and missing school. My self-esteem was very low. I didn't know if I would graduate on time. And because I was just diagnosed with a neurological disease, I didn't know if I could ever live up to my high academic standards again. If I could write a letter to myself at 17, in December 2005 before I would start my senior spring semester, I would say this:

Dear Chelsey 2005,

This is a letter from seven years from now. I know you are feeling very down because your senior year is not what you expected it to be. You were supposed to be on the executive student council. You worked hard to get that position. You had interviewed to be a mentor for the junior high students. You were planning on getting top grades so that you can win a great scholarship to the university of your choice.

But don't worry…you will finish your chemotherapy sessions in time to attend your spring semester of your senior year. And the psychologist who said that you will be a C+ average is wrong…you will graduate with the top of your class with two academic awards.

I know you think this disease has ruined your life, but actually - it will make you a stronger, wiser, and more compassionate person. Remember how you were planning on becoming a criminal lawyer? You were so driven and thought that this career would bring meaning and security in your life. But as you get older, you will find that meaning can be found in anything…even as a stay-at-home wife who writes encouraging blogs for people, or gives away baked goods for free because she secretly would love to have her own bakery. :P

I know at this time you are feeling a lot of stress from your home situation and you wonder if you will ever escape it. You were hoping that your opportunity to leave would come in the form of a scholarship to a university far away from home, but now you don't even know if you will graduate on time with your friends. But relax - everything will work out well. Your mom is going to send you to live with your aunt for a while so you can fully recover without living in a constant stressful situation, and moving to the west coast will be one of the best decisions you will ever make in your life. There, you will apply to a smaller Christian university - one you thought that was beneath your potential, but this school will actually change and challenge you - and all for the better. At this school you will meet some genuine best friends. And through these friends, you will meet your best friend for life - who will vow to stay by you, no matter what.

And when you move to the west coast, hug Auntie Eva - as much as you can. You won't have much time left with her.

You may be bitter and angry at life right now, but remember that you don't see the full picture - God does. A wise person said, "God has a reason for allowing things to happen. We may never understand His reasons, but we simply have to trust His will." And when you see your life seven years from now, you would be amazed at all the blessings God has given you because of this illness…because you will get sick again, and with new symptoms…and you'll wonder why does it seem that God keeps allowing this illness to flare up.

But sometimes God uses such trials to mold us into a better person, to the person that He wants to be and that He can use for His purpose. You wouldn't have the compassion, empathy, or generosity to change your major to human services in your last year of university…if it wasn't for all the trials that you went through in life. Everything that has happened to you has strengthened you to become who you will be in 2012 - and that person that God has molded is a much better version of you than you had in mind.

And about those family troubles..you will be happy to hear that you fought bitterness and won. You decided that living a life of peace and forgiveness is much better than a life of anger and resentment. Another wise person said, "What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now."

Life will continue to go up and down for you. You will experience some broken hearts. You will have financial problems. You will be rejected by family relatives you thought would stand by you.  But like Brad Paisley says, "You'll make it through this and you'll see. You're still around to write this letter to me." 

Life isn't worth living if you are afraid to live it. Take risks. Don't be afraid to speak from your heart. Hope is knowing that God has a purpose for everything you go through...and everything you are going through today will lead you to the best years of your life. 

Hugs and blessings,

Chelsey, 2012

Beauty in Brokenness

Everyone has a story that can break your heart. But life can be beautiful when you can see beauty in the brokenness. Some people decide to dwell in the brokenness, while others accept their brokenness and then make their way into turning it beautiful.

For example, go and visit a hospital sometime. There may be a person in the ER, grumpy and screaming at the nurses to hurry up and fix his broken arm. And then maybe you go upstairs to the cancer ward. And there, you find a bald lady sitting up in bed, smiling within the last few hours of her life.

We all have had injuries…physical injuries, emotional injuries, mental injuries, perhaps spiritual injuries…but we don't need to live with these injuries everyday. When one has hope, one believes in the possibility that God has more for life in store.

The beauty of brokenness is that there is hope that it can result in something greater. When we are broken, we allow our hearts to be more open for God to glue them back together. And God's glue is sturdier than anything else that we rely on with our hearts.

The beauty of the family problems I had in my childhood is that I can relate well to others who are suffering from broken relationships.

The beauty of living with a rare and incurable neurological disease is that it has helped me be empathetic to others who also suffer from an illness.

The beauty of the hurt and pain that I have endured have resulted in scars on my heart, where God had glued the pieces together. These scars remind me of lessons learned, and that God can fix anything that I give to Him.

Maybe you can't see the beauty in a broken situation right now, but remember that we are like Job - who did not know or understand the ways of God. Job had everything ripped apart from his life - his children, his wealth, his health - and God didn't answer even when Job questioned why he was suffering. Despite all this, Job decides to fully trust in God even though he felt no beauty in his broken situation at all.

Maybe you are having trouble seeing beauty in your brokenness too, but just like a popular worships song says to God, "You make beautiful things out of the dust. You make beautiful things out of us."

Stephan Hoeller said, "A pearl is a beautiful thing that is produced by an injured life. It is the tear [that results] from the injury of the oyster. The treasure of our being in this world is also produced by an injured life. If we had not been wounded, if we had not been injured, then we will not produce the pearl."

We are all pearls.