"Every New Beginning is Some Beginning's End"

Summer is soon coming to a close and the autumn season will begin. While the official commencement of autumn is in the third week of September, people usually get into their "autumn" routine earlier on. Autumn signifies the beginning of school and regular classes. Children may initially resent the month of September because it is the end of the lazy hazy days of summer, while parents are happy to get back a regular routine. Families are enjoying being at home after a summer filled with road trips, weddings, family reunions, and other busy gatherings.

When I was younger, I was not a big fan of autumn. I thought it was the boring "in-between" season that signaled the end of summer vacation and the waiting period for winter and holiday festivities. I am one of those annoying people that loves the holidays…the Christmas decoration, the carols, the surprise presents, and snow. Maybe I loved Christmas so much because when I was growing up - no matter how much my parents were fighting - I can count on them to try and make Christmas Day worth the other 364 days of their arguments.

Autumn also symbolizes a season of change...the shades of sunset on the crunchy leaves, the air crispens, and the moon wakes up earlier than usual.

Last autumn - in 2011 - was a big season of change for me. While I was looking forward to starting my career in the United States after applying for my green card and getting my work permit, my health took an unexpected turn and I found myself hospitalized for a month. My brain was in status epilepticus - a state of non-stop subclinical seizures - for a whole week. Seizure medications would not work on me. The doctors couldn't find out what was causing my seizures until they found that my rare neurological illness had resurfaced again. My childhood illness found me in my adulthood and was threatening to take my life again.

Last September, I was laying in the hospital bed, contemplating this new abrupt twist in my life. I don't know when my illness will decide to flare up - I only hope to stay in remission for as long as I can. Last autumn, I was facing a familiar "beginning" - facing chemotherapy again, dealing with fatigue and other side effects, and once more - wondering where my life will go from here.

In the movie Hope Floats, Sandra Bullock says, "Beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up and it will…" During the many scary beginnings in life, we get so caught up with the initial fear and anxiety that we forget that life is full of seasons of change. How you feel right now will not always be the case. I will not always be in chemotherapy. One day my fatigue will go away. Sadness is a temporary state of feeling, not a permanent way of being…I wish I had told myself all these things last autumn, but instead - I had to learn it the hard way.

Sandra Bullock was right though - when I gave hope a chance, it did float up. I was able to find hope even in the uncertainty of my incurable diagnosis. I learned that when I can trust God fully and place my hope in Him, there is no more room for fear - because He has everything under control. Whatever happens to me, He has a purpose for it.

Whenever I tell other people about the story of how I first got sick when I was 17 years old, I always end my story by saying how grateful I am that it happened to me. Without my illness, I would not have moved to the west coast, and chosen a university where I found a passion for my career in human services and met some best friends, and eventually - through those friends - I found and married the love of my life. Looking back on all the rewards and blessings that happened in my life, I would be face it all again.

This autumn, I have been blessed with a full recovery and good health even though I am still on a chemotherapy treatment plan. I am blessed that I am healthy enough to start working full-time again. I have been offered a job as a behaviour technician - working with kids who have special needs. It's wonderful to find a job that provides security and also has meaning.

It will be my first post-graduate job, and also the first job I will have since my last flare-up with CNS vasculitis. I am a little bit anxious about it. Will I be physically capable for this job? Will I be too tired at the end of the day? Will I have to take off too many days for medical appointments?

Beginnings can be distressing, but there is a seed of hope in every beginning - and when you give it a chance, it floats up.

Sandra Bullock said that "it's the middle that counts the most" - I guess that is another way of saying that the journey matters more than the destination. In this particular case, I guess I would agree. During my journey to remission, I have done my best to provide hope for others who struggle through this blog, online support groups, and even in personal messages. I have learned lessons about trusting God and finding purpose in the healing journey that many people do not get a chance to learn until their old age. I learned that tears can be symbols of strength - not weakness - because they show that you choose to still fight despite everything you are going through.

Now that I can say I am officially in "remission" - I have a new beginning.

Bon Jovi sings, "Every new beginning is some beginning's end." How true this statement is. Life is full of seasons of change and cycles of new beginnings. Through each season of change and new beginning, let hope float and guide you through.

"The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."  ~Marian Zimmer Bradley