Christmas is soon approaching, and I don't know about you, but I start listening to Christmas music as early as mid-October. I'm Canadian, and our Thanksgiving occurs early in October. After that, the next major holiday to celebrate is Christmas!
I was always such a fan of Christmas. Regardless of what was currently going on in my life, I always had that hope that this Christmas, things will be different. This Christmas, things are going to change. This Christmas, things will be better than last year.
When I was growing up, Christmas wasn't always happy-go-lucky. There were Christmases with screaming matches. There were Christmases with tears. And there were Christmases spent apart. Nevertheless, my childhood love for Christmas helped me to hold on to the hope that each upcoming Christmas would be "the Christmas" where everything would be perfect.
But what is perfect? Does perfect even exist? We all know that there is no one in this world who is perfect. The only thing I can think of to apply the word "perfect" to is a "perfect white sheet of paper" - no blemishes, no mistakes.
I don't know if I've ever had a "perfect" Christmas, but I can definitely think of some Christmases that were significantly better than others. In the past couple of years, my Christmases have been improving over time. Maybe it's because I finally resolved issues with my family. Maybe it's because I met my wonderful husband, and time with him just gets better every day.
This Christmas is my first Christmas not in remission since 2005. The last time I was sick at Christmas, I was very bloated on steroids and I was partially bald because of my brain biopsy (a surgery where the doctor extracts a piece of your brain out to examine it for inflammation - this is usually how PCNSV is diagnosed). I remember not singing my heart out to my favourite Christmas songs because I was self-conscious and my voice was still so weak from having been intubated. I was still so tired that the excitement of Christmas morning didn't keep me up talking with my sisters late into the night. I was so anxious about returning to school after the new year that I couldn't think beyond that. I felt so left behind in life that I couldn't see the future. Without being able to see my future, I didn't know what to hope for.
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| Alex and me, Christmas in Ottawa, 2009 |
I spent the next five Christmases from 2006-2010 in remission, and each one was more wonderful than the last. This upcoming Christmas, the Christmas of 2011, I am back on chemotherapy and prednisone because of my recent PCNSV flare up this last September.
But this time, this Christmas WILL be different. And this Christmas WILL continue to be better than the last. I am "grown-up" now. I am no longer the young, naïve, heavy-hearted 17-year old girl from six years ago. Although my vasculitis has returned, my old mindset has not. As a "grown-up," I've learned lessons in life that I have been wise enough to keep with me.
The first lesson is, obviously, that life is short. Don't wait for tomorrow to do what you can do today. Saying "I love you" isn't too often when you mean it every time. Remember the good times from the past, apply their lessons, and leave behind the bitterness. The present is unpredictable, so don't spend it wasting time stressing about the future, because the future is always just that, the future: something you can see but will always be reaching for.
I did not know these lessons at 17. Now that I am 23 - it doesn't make a difference that I felt the same fatigue symptoms as I did when I was 17, or that I'm on the same dosage of chemotherapy - it matters that I choose to make this Christmas different from the last time when I had a vasculitis flare up. Because I have learned these lessons, I have hope that this Christmas will still be wonderful.
One of my favourite Christmas songs is "My Grown Up Christmas List." I love how it tells a story of how someone's Christmas List changed as she grew up from being a child. I used to think that I was a person who was considerate enough to think about others. But looking back now, I see that everything I had always asked and wanted for Christmas revolved around me. This Christmas, I have a Christmas list for others. On this list, I wish for everyone who lives with an illness this year to have hope for a better new year. I also wish for their loved ones to share in their hope, and keep strong in their encouragement and support - because as a person with an illness, it really does make a difference when someone can give you strength when you're physically and emotionally drained. Also, I wish that others can continue to read my blog and share it with others - so that more and more people can become aware of my invisible illness. While other organizations are fundraising money to find a cure, people with vasculitis are fighting just to be noticed in the medical world.
This Christmas, what is your grown-up Christmas list? How are you different now than when you were younger? How will this upcoming Christmas be different from the others?
"My Grown Up Christmas List"
Do you remember me
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you
With childhood fantasies
Well, I'm all grown up now
And still need help somehow
I'm not a child
But my heart still can dream
So here's my lifelong wish
My grown up Christmas list
Not for myself
But for a world in need
No more lives torn apart
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| Dominican Republic, May 2008, Children of the Nations Missions Trip |
That wars would never start
and wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown up Christmas list
As children we believed
The grandest sight to see
Was something lovely
Wrapped beneath our tree
Well heaven only knows
That packages and bows
Can never heal
A hurting human soul
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| Being a spokesperson and walking at the Children's Wish Foundation "Walk for Wishes" in Burnaby, B.C., October, 2009. |
No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown up Christmas list
What is this illusion called the innocence of youth
Maybe only in our blind belief can we ever find the truth
(there'd be)
No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end, oh
This is my grown up Christmas list
This is my only life long wish
This is my grown up Christmas list
I love the song - and I love all versions of it! Choose your favourite version to listen to:
Amy Grant
Charice Pempengco
Kelly Clarkson
Michael Buble
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