"Fix You" - by Coldplay: When your body and mind are weak, let your heart and spirit stay strong

 When I started writing this blog, I was tired…I felt tired…I even looked tired…I was visiting my husband's family in Idaho this Christmas holiday, and even my father-in-law noticed that I looked fatigued.

I probably owed my fatigue to the fact that I had been on my feet a lot the last couple of days, and my sleeping patterns haven't been regular, but even so - I felt like life had stolen my energy.

If I wasn't on the current medications that I am now (chemotherapy, steroids, anti-seizure medications), I wouldn't be feeling this way. Actually, I blame my lowered energy levels mostly to my anti-seizure medications. Last November, I found out that I was allergic to three anti-seizure medications that my neurologist prescribed me. Although I did not like the rash and the swelling, I did enjoy that for two weeks - while I wasn't on any anticonvulsants - I felt like my "old energy" had returned. I was waking up early in the morning, doing chores as quick as I used to do, and multi-tasking so much that I actually created more free time for myself. And this wasn't just mental energy, I had PHYSICAL energy. I was walking all over town, running errands, and using the stairs every time I visited my doctors, even when they were on the sixth floor of the hospital.

My husband noticed a big change between the time when I was on those anti-seizure medications and to the two-week period when I was off them. He said that while I was on those three different anti-seizure medications, he would come home and usually find me laying on the couch, watching a movie. The first day when I wasn't on any anti-seizure medications, I had cooked him breakfast before he left for work, and he came home to a sparkling house.

Eventually - because I had status epilepticus this last September - and we don't know yet if seizures will return as  a symptom for me as part of my CNS vasculitis - I had to take another anti-seizure medication. This time, this one didn't give me an allergic reaction, but I did notice that I wasn't as energetic as I had been. However, I was a great deal more energetic than I was when I was on those other three anti-seizure medications.

When reading the possible side effects of these medications, some sound scary! Sure, I can accept "may cause drowsiness" or even "dizziness." However, side effects like causing "suicidal thoughts or behaviour" because these drugs may cause changes in mental health - well THAT sounds scary.

I've been blessed - again - that the worst side effects I have had with these drugs are that I developed severe allergic reactions such as swelling and a rash, but I stopped these anti-seizure medications ahead of time before my reactions could get worse. Right now, my main problem with my current anti-seizure medication is that I don't get to be as energetic as I used to be, but at least I can still get out of bed in the morning, and I can stay up on my feet as long as I need to. So really, I have much to be thankful for despite what I am feeling.

A friend once told me - when I had a Facebook status complaining about my energy levels because of my anti-seizure medication - that I already had so much energy originally, that if I had been a "regular energetic person," I would be a zombie on my current medications. That made me laugh - and it was another reminder how blessed I am again, that although I have a life-threatening illness, I can still live life normally when I am not in the middle of a flare-up.

But being physically weak is not the only thing that can burden us. There's emotional weakness - when someone breaks your heart, or you lose someone, or your feelings are hurt to a  point where you don't know if that relationship can ever be reconciled. Sometimes your mind becomes weak - when you feel so overwhelmed that you can't think of anything else but the problem that is laying heavy on your heart.

When you feel like you are at your weakest point, let your heart and spirit remain strong. You may feel like circumstances cannot get any worse, but as long as you have hope, you have possibilities. When you give up hope, you slam the door on possibilities.

My husband and I were probably at our weakest point this year when I was admitted to the hospital last September because of my third flare up of CNS vasculitis, and I was admitted to two hospitals, as a Canadian without insurance at an American hospital.

In Canada, I never had to worry about providing for my health care. I know that many in Canada complain about our health care system, and many in the United States look down on it because of its inefficiencies, but every system has its weak points. The strongest point of Canada's socialized health care system is that nobody will ever have to worry about being financially unable to  obtain health services for themselves because of the cost. Many people advised me to stay in Canada because I have a disease that needs expensive treatment. So when I was finally discharged from the hospital in October after three weeks, my hospital bill added up to about $300 000.

While in the hospital, after I had finally gained consciousness, I couldn't really relax knowing that my husband did not have insurance with his job yet since he was just a temporary worker, and that we might be spending the rest of our lives paying off this bill that was bigger than a mortgage for a regular house, or declare bankruptcy.

Life was pretty much at the bottom of the rocks at that moment. My husband and I had started our year so well - we had both graduated, we had gotten married, we had an amazing honeymoon in Europe - and then it seemed that right away in our first year of newlywed life, life was already challenging our vows: "For better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health."

No one could have asked for a better husband than Alex, during that tough time in our lives. I think it was harder for him than me - because even though I was close to death for a second time in my life, Alex watched it all happening before his eyes, not knowing if God was going to take me away, or if I survived, would my mind be the same?

Alex didn't want me to worry about anything. He told me to trust him, and although we both knew that his current salary would not be able  to pay the hospital bills, our regular bills, and my current medications   that we currently had to pay out of pocket, that cost about $1200 a month - he told me not to worry, that we would have to file for bankruptcy if we had to. Alex has never failed me, and I knew that he loved me so much that he would do everything he can to make sure that we survived.

He wrote a letter to the charity care program at the hospital. He explained our financial situation, and that we could not afford to pay our $300 000 bill, especially while paying for rent, regular bills, and the medications that I needed to stay on. The charity care program wrote us back and said that we were approved for 70% charity care. But paying even 30% of our original bill was still too much. Alex persisted and wrote to them again, saying that we still had no choice other than to file for bankruptcy. The hospital then wrote to us and approved us for 100% of our bill - forgiving all our debt.

The day that Alex and I read that letter from the hospital, we jumped for joy and cheered so loud that I am sure the neighbours must have heard us. It was better than any Christmas day I remembered. I then realized how grateful I was to God that He let this happen, and if I had this much trust in my husband to provide for me and care for me, I should be that way with God in all things.

People often say, "Enjoy your honeymoon period now, because the rough patches of marriage will be coming soon." But for Alex and myself, we hit several rough patches already. When we had come back from our honeymoon, Alex had such a hard time looking for a job as a construction manager since the economy had hit the construction sector so hard in the area where we were living. He finally was hired as a temporary worker for a computer company - but at that time, his job did not provide the benefits that we needed for my health care. Then in September, my health took a surprising hit with a third flare up with new seizure symptoms and hallucinations.

Yet throughout this whole time - our marriage stayed strong, and we only grew closer together because of enduring these obstacles together. We had hope that even though we were walking through a tumultuous time in our lives, the sunrise was still around the corner.

When your body and mind feel weak, what lights guide you home?

I have one major light - the Light of the World - Jesus - through every flare up in my life, although I was at my physical weakest, I had never been spiritually stronger than I was at that point. Even recently, I had never felt as closed to God as I do now, after realizing that believing in Him and doing good works are not the only things there are to a relationship with Him - but actually spending time in real prayer and in His Word. If I can spend so much time talking to my husband and looking forward to spending time with him, how much more should I desire to spend time with Jesus?

God is the "Ultimate Fixer" - when people fail us, when governments fail us, when dreams fail us - God will never fail us. Although He doesn't promise to deliver us directly from our circumstances everytime, He does promise to endure them alongside us, because "God is our refuge and strength. A very present help in trouble" (Psalm 46:1).

The other light that guides me home - home being your haven of security, of safety, and a sense of normalcy - is my husband Alex. Whenever I am down, or I feel like my worries are preventing me from seeing the sun behind the clouds - Alex has a special way that nobody else does to help me hold on to hope, even when hope is buried beneath obstacles.

When my body is weak, my heart remains strong - because Alex knows how to "guide me home." When my heart is weak and heavy, because I am tired of life hitting us with one problem after another, I rely on God to strengthen me again and be my light to guide me home, and keep my spirit strong.

If you read my first blog, you'll know that I had some family problems while growing up. When I was in high school, only my closest friends knew what was going on at home, while I hid everything else with a perky smile and a cheery attitude. People who observed me but did not know me, would have thought that I was a happy-go-lucky girl, but there were several occasions when I broke down in tears, because I was tired of carrying so much in my heart.

Just because you want to maintain a strong heart and spirit, doesn't mean that you can't break down and have a good cry now and then, and let your emotions show. Keeping emotions bottled in is not healthy for you - emotionally or physically. Whatever you keep inside will eventually come out - whether in words, actions, or tears. If it doesn't come out when you let out your emotions, it will express itself in other ways - and possibly in ways that are unhealthy, such as channeling your anger at another person, or expressing sadness through unhealthy habits such as binge eating.

How can you keep a strong heart and spirit when your body and mind are weak?

Realize the sources of "light" in your life and let them guide you until you are strengthened again. If you are a Christian, God will guide you through every valley and hill in life. Reflect upon the people in your life. Who encourages you to remain positive, or helps you reflect on the bright side of things when everything seems dark? Let them guide you home.

How can you help others maintain a strong heart and spirit when they are at their weakest points?

Well, don't ever underestimate the effect of an encouraging word. If you notice a friend on Facebook that has been posting statuses about rough times lately, send them an encouraging message and/or Bible verse to help them remember that there is still good in life.

When someone confides in you about a problem, a hug tells that person, "You understand me, and you care about what I just told you."

When someone breaks down in tears and expresses how lost they feel, a comforting silence also says, "I heard you, and I am here for you when you are ready to talk about this."

When people know that there is someone out there who cares for them enough to also want to take part in their problems and desire to take it away, it helps give them hope and a stronger heart and spirit, so they know that they are not fighting alone.

And when it seems like nobody else will take part in your burden, know that there is always Someone who has promised to endure your burdens with you when you let Him. Every time we ask God, He will always fix us and guide us home.