I love this song by Carrie Underwood. It reminds us that our trials our temporary, and in the end, our life on earth is just our "temporary home."
Today, I
was brushing my hair, and it pulled out more hair than usual. I guess it looked
like a lot because my hair is long and black. Losing my hair on a daily basis
is still something that bothers me about being on chemotherapy. I know that
chemotherapy is helping me, and that soon I will be able to get off it, but
everytime I see my hair fall out, or I look on the bathroom floor and see
strands of my hair scattered everywhere, it reminds me again that I am not
fully healed, no matter how it may seem on the outside.
People
tell me I should feel lucky - most people on chemotherapy do not have as much
hair as I do. And I guess I do feel lucky. During my first bout of chemotherapy
when I was 17, I was in the chemotherapy ward at the children's hospital. I
always had thick hair, so I suppose when I lost some during chemotherapy, not
much people noticed a difference.
I felt so
out of place there. In that ward, most of the patients were children much
younger than me, and bald, probably because they were cancer patients and have
faced chemotherapy so many times already in their lives. It definitely made me
appreciate my own illness - because even though both cancer and CNS vasculitis
are incurable diseases - at least CNS vasculitis allowed me to live as much of
a normal life as I could. I remember being asked to bake cookies with some of
the children and seeing their spirit. Even though they were thin and weak from
their treatment, their smiles were big and their spirits were strong.
I talked
to my rheumatologist lately, and he said that I will soon stop chemotherapy
after I finish tapering off steroids, and he encouraged my desire to go back to
work or pursue graduate studies. He said that having such an interest helps
people cope with their illnesses, because when people with illnesses do not
have something to motivate them in life, they tend to fade away.
I agree.
I think that some people get so caught up in their burdens that their life
starts to revolve around their burdens. This is why it's important to have a
good support system to help you come out of your shell, face your problem, and
climb that mountain.
My burden
is my CNS vasculitis, and even though I look well on the outside, and I am
living as full of a life as possible, every time I brush my hair and my hair
falls out - it reminds me that I have an illness without a cure.
But the Bible tells us in 2 Corinthians
4:16: "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly
we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day."
Even though my hair
is falling out and I have an immune system that sometimes decides to attack my
brain, it will have no effect on my spirit. I refuse to let my illness and my
physical body dictate how my spirit acts. I will continue to be cheerful even
if one day I have to buy a wig. I will continue to be hopeful for a cure for my
disease even when many others have given up that it will ever happen. I will
continue to strive to be the best that I can be, even though there will always
be a risk that I might have a stroke, a seizure, or fall into a coma again.
Right now, I know
that my chemotherapy is temporary. Soon I will switch to a less toxic
medication to manage my illness. Chemotherapy is, like the song says,
"…just a stop, on the way to where I'm going." I know this year when
I am off chemotherapy, I will be applying for work, and hopefully be attending
graduate school.
2 Corinthians 4:17
says: "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an
eternal glory that far outweighs them all."
In my eyes - even
though I will have this illness for the rest of my life until there is a cure -
my illness is part of my "light and momentary troubles" compared to
what Christians will experience in eternity. And if my troubles can achieve for
me an eternal glory that outweighs everything I have gone through in life, well
then I think that is a pretty good deal that God has given us.
2 Corinthians 4:18
says: "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen,
since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
God is unseen and
eternal - when we fix our eyes on Him, and have faith, He promises to carry us
through the times of trouble in our lives.
For Christians facing
a burden, remember that it is just temporary compared to what God has in store
for us in eternity. Have hope that this trouble shall pass, and that you will
come out of it stronger than you were before. Isaiah
40:31 tells us that "...those who hope in the LORD will renew their
strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow
weary, they will walk and not be faint."
If I
didn't have God in my life, I don't know how my life would have turned out
because of the troubles in my life. I may have started to hang out with the
wrong crowd in high school because I was so angry at the world. I may have
secluded myself after my illness and shunned the world, because I couldn't see
how there could possibly be anything else better left for me, when I felt that
I was cheated so much time out of my life, because of my illness.
If you don't have God
in your life, know that He truly does make a difference. One of my favourite
lines from my favourite musical, Les Miserables, is a song by the main
character, Jean Valjean. In this song, he is conflicted about telling the truth
about his identity, even though it will condemn him in jail, but it will save
the life of an innocent man. He refers
to God in this line of the song: "He gave me hope when hope was gone. He
gave me strength to journey on."
If you know the story
of Les Miserables, you would know that Jean Valjean had quite the life. He
struggled in jail as a slave for nineteen years, because he stole a loaf of
bread to feed his starving family. When he broke his parole, he was angry at
the world and committing thievery, but this time, for the wrong reasons. It was
when a bishop gave him such an extraordinary act of kindness that Jean Valjean
turned to God, and saw hope in his future. He then became successful, and
eventually became the mayor of a city.
If you ever faced any
trouble that you thought was unfair, you can relate to Jean Valjean, and to
many others. And if you are facing trouble now, have hope, because it is just
temporary. There is a time for everything, and just as there is time for troubles
to start, there is also a time for those to end. We may not know when that time
will be, but we can have hope in waiting, and keep our spirits strong while we
endure these troubles.
I know that someday
my hair will stop falling out, and that the fatigue I feel now is just
temporary. I know that my overall illness is temporary. And while I am facing
these temporary troubles, I don't have to be afraid of what might happen -
because that which is temporary will not define me - I will focus on my goals
ahead, the unseen, and the eternal.
I encourage you all
to do the same. :)
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