How do you do it?

It's not what you do, it's how you do it.

Every time I see a new doctor, I always need to fill out a questionnaire. And on that questionnaire it always asks: "What is your occupation?"

Nowadays, there is a more attractive term for "stay-at-home wife" and that is "homemaker." You only need to hear certain people's stories, to know that being a "homemaker" is not an easy job. I look at my brother-in-law's wife and I am astounded by how she manages to still be standing at the end of the day. She has four young girls…6, 4, 2, and a new born. Apart from cleaning and cooking, she also takes care of animals on her farm. And somehow, she manages to find time to paint her walls and other home projects.  While she may not be at the forefront of changing the world, her desire to build a lovely home for her family makes a significant difference in the lives of five other people (her four kids and husband)..

For a lot of people with an illness, they are either forced into early retirement or have to file for disabilities because they can no longer work. My rheumatologist has actually encouraged me to seek a new job or go to graduate school, so that I can find something to do that is meaningful, because  for a lot of people with an illness who cannot find meaning in what they do , they tend to fade away.

Whatever you are doing…whether you work part-time at Starbucks, you're a homemaker, you're retired, or you have a job that you really hate…find a way to put meaning into what you do.

If you work part-time at Starbucks…seek to always have a smile on your face, and ask your customers how their day is going no matter how grumpy they may look when they are getting their morning coffee.

If you're a homemaker or you're retired…there is so much things that you can do in your spare time that can bring meaning into the life of others! There is a group on Facebook called "Squares and Prayers." Their meaning is to create "a place for info, encouragement, and banter for those interested in working on collaborative projects for the purpose of blessing others." Right now they are working on a crochet blanket for a 3-year old boy who has had 3 open-heart surgeries.

This week, I have started a project called Cards4Cures. My purpose is to create cards with small messages of hope in them to be given to patients with illnesses at  hospitals. While everyone with an illness is still waiting for a cure, a small card of hope can help cure a little sadness or a lonely day.

If you would like to know more about Cards4Cures or would like to join in the project…message me and let me know!

It's not what you see, it's how you look at it.

Perspective is truly everything. Have you ever tried to solve a Rubix Cube? Sometimes you just don't know what the next step is, but when you turn the rubix cube around at all angles, you can find the right twists and turns to solve your puzzle.

Whatever difficulties you may be facing, how you look at it can change your attitude towards it. And when you have a hopeful positive attitude, it makes enduring these difficulties a little bit easier.  If you knew already how your difficulties would resolve, would you walk to your destination on a path of flowers, or on a path of thorns?

It's not how your life is, it's how you live it.

Circumstances don't define who we are…it's how we deal and use our circumstances that help define our character.

I am not defined by my illness…I am defined by my attitude of perseverance and my desire to overcome it. Therefore you are not defined by your troubles, but by how you choose to accept it or change it.

We are not defined by our past…but by how we choose to live our present based on what we have learned from the past.

And if you need help thinking about how to live, Micah has the answer:

"He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God" (Micah 6:8).

Living Life

One of the greatest women who ever lived was Mother Teresa…she dedicated her life to helping the less fortunate and giving hope to those who were weary. This is a beautiful quote to remember when you contemplate to yourself, "What should I do with my life?"

This is a question that has been on my mind a lot lately. For a while, I thought I knew what I was doing with my life. When I got married last April in 2011, my husband and I were planning on moving to Toronto where I had just been accepted to the Master in Social Work program. But after coming home from our honeymoon, this plan changed when we found out that my illness (central nervous system vasculitis) was active again after six years of remission. 

When you live with an illness without a cure…it can change your life at anytime. I live with an invisible illness that chooses to present itself at random times…and research still does not know why my immune system decides to attack when it does. When my illness attacks, I could be in a coma, I could have a stroke, I could have a seizure, or I could forget how to read and write.

Because of my health status, my husband and I decided that it was not the right time to have the stress of moving across the country and starting graduate school. At that time, it seemed like my illness was stealing opportunities away from me again like it did when it first struck when I was 17.

But like I said in my first post, if I had not gotten sick at 17, I would not be the same person I am today - and because of that, I rejoice in my own illness.

"Life is an opportunity, benefit from it."

My illness flared again last September when I was hospitalized for three weeks when I had non-stop seizures and hallucinations. After coming home from the hospital, I prayed to God and asked Him what I should be doing with my life. What possible use can I be while I am just sitting at home, tired from chemotherapy, and not yet fit to enter the work force? It was during this time I started writing this blog and I started a support group on Facebook so that I can reach out to others who live with an illness and in need of hope.

We don't have a choice on how life can change at any moment, but we can choose to decide how we can make that change benefit us. When life gives you unwanted lemons, you always have the recipe to make lemonade.

"Life is a beauty, admire it." Life can seem ugly and tiring at times. A while ago, I spent three days with an on and off fever. My rheumatologist was worried that I might have an infection in my brain fluid. This started to worry me too. But like Jesus said, "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" (Matthew 6:27). So why waste moments focusing on the ugly? Everyday may not be a good day, but as long as you have a reason to live, life is beautiful.

"Life is a dream, realize it." Sometimes it feels like life takes away the dreams we've hold on to for so long or the goals that we desire. But life is a journey - and it doesn't take away dreams, it changes them. Right now, I thought I would be at a social work internship at a children's hospital working toward a social work degree in public health. But instead, I am waiting on God to see what He wills for me - because God knows the plans He has for me, and these are plans to prosper me, and give me hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11).

"Life is a challenge, meet it." Whoever says that life is easy must not have a very strong character. It is the challenges of life that build up our strength of character and our fortitude to withstand even stronger storms. The apostle Paul - in the Bible - suffered from a thorn in the flesh. He prayed to God for healing but did not receive it. Instead, God told him: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9). In response, Paul said, "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

You can read me boast about the thorn in my flesh in my first blog.

"Life is a duty, complete it." When the going gets tough, keep going with it. Don't quit. There are no prizes for people who don't cross the finish line.

"Life is a game, play it." Remember that even when it's raining on life, you can still choose to dance in the rain.

"Life is a promise, fulfill it." Jesus promised us: "I am leaving you with a gift - peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don't be troubled or afraid." Since Jesus is perfect, He cannot break His promise. And since this promise was not given to us by the world, we know that it is a promise that will be fulfilled. Jesus has sent us the Holy Spirit to give us peace of mind and heart in life.

"Life is sorrow, overcome it." Jesus said, "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." When you have Jesus in your heart, you can overcome any sorrow in the world.

"Life is a song, sing it." Let your life be a song that is a beautiful melody to those who hear it.

"Life is a struggle, accept it." As another wise person said: "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

"Life is a tragedy, confront it." If you're not happy with life circumstances, then change it. If you can't change it, then change your attitude towards it and remember that God can bring something good out of any situation.

"Life is an adventure, dare it." You can do anything through Christ who strengthens you (Philippians 4:13).

"Life is luck, make it." Despite your circumstances, every new day is another opportunity to change your future and make your luck.

"Life is life, fight for it!" Fight for the life that you want, and when you don't know how to fight anymore, it's okay because God will take care of it. Exodus 14:14 says: "The Lord will fight for you. You need only to be still."

Life is a gift worth living…how you decide to live it, is your gift to yourself.

Encouragement and Perseverance

 (traducción al español)

When I was 17, my parents told me that there were 3 times I almost died in the ICU. One time, I stopped breathing. The other time, my blood pressure fell really low. Another time, I was losing so much blood and nobody knew why.

When I recovered, the doctors called me "the miracle child" because they couldn't believe it when within a week after waking up from my coma, I was talking, walking (as much as I could anyway) and laughing again.

At 17, I was given a second chance at life. Looking back, I wonder if I made the most of it. I did change my life direction. I went from planning on going to law school to planning a career in human services. I had sought to volunteer as much as possible, and share a smile as often as I can.

But last September, my illness came back again and put me in status epilepticus. This is when I was having so many seizures that I did not have time to recover before a new seizure began. The doctors said my seizures were about 20 seconds apart, and this happened for almost a week.  They told my husband I could be permanently disabled. But thanks to God, we won this round again - and I was given my third chance at life.

I was raised with the attitude that quitting meant losing. And since I tended to have a competitive streak in me, I was resolved to win as often as I can - even against my own illness.

When my illness tells me, "Chelsey…forget about planning that part of your life, you'll never get there because I am still here" - I tell my illness, "No. I will not give up. I have too much hope for my future. I did not work hard my whole life to just sit at home, wondering if I will ever have another flare up. I love people too much to accept that being alone is okay. I love God too much to think that an illness can ruin any plans He has for me."

Encouragement is defined as "the expression of approval and support." Encouragement is meant to help us move forward in our goals. And like this quote says, "When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long."

Reflecting on the reasons that keep you going will help you work harder, and be happier at what you are working for. If you are struggling with a job to support your family, think of how you are doing this for your family and how much you love them. When my husband and I were struggling financially, he told me that he would dress up in a bunny suit and hold silly advertisement signs on street corners, just so he can provide for me. When I was in the hospital last September, he told me that he couldn't bear to be away from me even when he was at work. But at work, he reminded himself that by working, he was making money and therefore would be able to put food on our table, buy my medications, and in this way - he can care and provide for me in the best way he knows how.

 Remembering the reasons that give your life meaning is the best encouragement you can give yourself. And remember that encouragement goes hand in hand with perseverance…and perseverance says, "Don't quit before the blessing."

Listening for "The Voice of Truth" - based on "Voice of Truth" by Casting Crowns

When I was young, I used to play with my invisible friends. Using my imagination, I crafted characters with complex background stories to join me during my playtime. I invited my actual real friends to join me in my imagination games, and we were content as children, personally deciding and controlling what our invisible friends said or did. We spoke the voices for the characters that we created from our imaginations.

While growing up, I stopped speaking for my invisible friends, and began speaking more for myself. After a while, I found that not everyone wanted to listen to what I had to say, and some thought I didn't have anything important to say anyway. When I got sick at seventeen years old with a rare neurological disease that would stay with me for the rest of my life, I began to lose my own voice and started to depend on the voices of others.

There are many voices in our lives. Some are good, and some are bad. Some voices help us make our own voice stronger, while other voices stifle us and prevent us from growing and developing our character.

When I was 17, after having to life direction and take another look at life because of what my illness had brought me, I began to listen to the voices that could guide me.

But some voices just weren't helpful. There were voices of doctors who told me that I shouldn't go back to school yet because I wasn't as smart as I used to be, and that I would graduate below the class average.  There were voices who said that I should never leave my hometown because I would not be able to take care of myself independently with this new illness that I will have for the rest of my life.

And for a while I listened to those voices…until the Voice of Truth told me, "No…this is not what I have planned for you." I knew that God had made me with special gifts to use for His purposes, and that His plans for me would not be able to come to pass if all I did was sit at home and wait, listening to voices that spoke out of fear and doubt.

I refused to believe that God would give me the talent to excel academically and then take it all away…and so I went back to school to finish my senior year of high school - against the advice of most teachers and doctors - and I maintained my health, and graduated with honours and academic awards. God's Voice was the "voice" that spoke truth during this time.

I love this song, "The Voice of Truth" by Casting  Crowns - because it speaks to us about the struggles we have in life, the discouragement that people sometimes give, and the reminders of our mistakes in the past.

There will always be voices beginning with words such as "you can't…" or "you're not good enough" or "you will never…"

Vincent Van Gogh said, "If you hear a voice within you say 'you cannot paint,' then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced." Dare to defy the voices around you that tell you that you aren't good enough, or that you will never measure up.

The only Voice we ever need to listen to is the "Voice of Truth." God said, "But whoever listens to me will dwell safely, and will be secure, without fear of evil" (Proverbs 1:33). Why listen to voices who make us afraid or make us doubt ourselves - when all we need to do is listen to God's voice for safety, security and courage?

How can we listen for God's voice? Well for starters, He has given us the lovely gift of the Bible where we can hear His words anytime we like. The more time we spend in prayer and listen for God's voice, the more receptive we can be to the messages He has for us. Prayer should be a two-way conversation…when you pray, don't forget to listen for the Voice on the other side of the conversation.

God's voice can also be echoed by others around us who give us verbal affirmation on things that are true in life and bring glory to God. For example, if you have a special talent that God would like you to use more often to help others, He may use somebody to speak with you to encourage you to foster that talent for God.

God's Voice is the one that decides all things. When a giant is telling you, "you'll never win" or reminds you of all the times you've tried before and failed - remember that God's voice gives strength, and just like David - you can knock down that giant in your life with one single stone.

I've had many giants in my life. The scariest giant is called "Central Nervous System Vasculitis" and it tells me that I will always be burdened by this disease, I will never have a cure, and I won't be able to live the life I desire because I am constricted by its limitations. It reminds me every day that it can attack me anytime it wants to or damage my brain permanently.

I could listen to the voices telling me that this giant is too big for me. They tell me that there are smaller giants I can defeat, but this giant is too much and I will never win. The voices tell me I should give up before I lose myself in trying to take down the giant.

David pulled five smooth stones out of the water to prepare for his fight with the Philistine giant. The giant was huge, had more war experiences, and carried weapons far more advanced than a simple sling shot and a stone.

David said to the Philistine, “...This very day I will give the carcasses of the Philistine army to the birds and the wild animals, and the whole world will know that there is a God in Israel. 47 All those gathered here will know that it is not by sword or spear that the LORD saves; for the battle is the LORD’s, and he will give all of you into our hands" )1 Samuel 17: 46-47).

Despite all the voices telling him that he couldn't win, David took down the giant - with God's help - in one single blow, so that everyone can know that God is the One True God.

I will take down my giant - because I believe in the Voice of Truth. From talking to other people who also have my illness, I have noticed how blessed I am not to have any chronic symptoms with my disease. My disease has flared up three times, but it has never bothered me on a daily basis. My husband told me that when we were at the hospital for my last flare up, the doctors wanted to retest me because they thought it was strange that I had not had any symptoms for six years. They thought I might have been misdiagnosed.

But I wasn't misdiagnosed. Instead, I believe that God is with me - taking down my giant. His Voice of Truth comforts me and tells me that I do not need to be a slave to my disease. 1 John 5:4 says: "For everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith."

And if my giant tries to take me down again, I will be calling on God to fight along side me, because "If God be for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31).

Out of all the voices calling out to you today, I invite you to choose to listen to the Voice of Truth. He can help you take down your giants.

Obstacles were meant for overcoming...

Obstacles were meant for overcoming....

Another quote mentioned that when something bad happens to you, you have three choices, you can:

a. let it define you

b. let it destroy you

c. let it make you stronger

I have a rare disease called central nervous system vasculitis. Right now, there is no cure. But I refuse to let it define me and dictate what kind of attitude I will have toward life.

My illness may control my physical health, but I am the one who controls my emotions.  Even when the illness attacks my body, it will not destroy my spirit.

So I choose the third choice…I will be stronger. I want to live a life that pleases God and makes Him proud to call me His own. I want to have a graceful attitude in the face of trials so that my story can be a testimony to others who are struggling. I want to share what I have learned from my own journey with healing so that others can find healing in their lives too.

If you have faced difficult issues in your past…(and who hasn't?) you can still change the choice that you have made about your difficulties today. You may have let your past defined you before, but today you can choose to make yourself stronger. The main source of my strength is God - I would not have been able to survive the life I had and still be the person I am today, if I did not have him in my heart.

There was a time in my life when I had let my past define me. I thought that the problems I had in my childhood would define the kind of adult I would turn out to be, and inevitably affect all my relationships. Finally I realized that nobody was benefitting from my anger. My anger was only hurting me and my possible future. One day, I remember crying on the phone, talking to my boyfriend (now my husband) about all the things that I had felt unfair in my past. After that talk and a good solid prayer, I slowly began casting away all the baggage I had been carrying with me, and started living life with a lighter heart.

The past is not meant to define you - you can use it to shape who you are, and it is what you choose to do in your present that defines who you are right now.

Most of all, remember no matter what you have done in your past, what you are doing now, or whatever you will do in the future - God loves you no matter what. He knows every step of your life already, and still chose to love you anyway. When you love Him in return, all things are possible.

"There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world"

Hey everyone,
This Bible verse says, "Do not let anyone look down on you because you are young.."

But the word "young" can also be substituted for other things that people use to look down upon us. For example,
- don't let anyone look down on you because you have an illness
- don't let anyone look down on you because you have a lower income
- don't let anyone look down on you because of your background
- don't let anyone look down on you because you did not go to college

The substitutions are limitless. Regardless of however people may be looking down upon you, this verse does not tell us to turn around and look down on them for being so condescending instead.

Instead, this Bible verse encourages us to be an example in "speech, behavior, love, faithfulness, and purity" in whatever circumstance we are in.

This week, let us strive to be an example for others.

Personally for me, I don't think people "look down" on me necessarily because of my illness, but I do feel like they do end up treating me like I am very fragile. But like I said in my last post, if you never try to spread your wings, you'll never learn to fly. Instead, I use my life example to change how other people perceive my illness.


People may tell you often that something is "not possible" or that "it will never work out." These are earthly terms. With God's terms, anything is possible. Through God, you can do anything through Him who strengthens you (Philippians 4:13).




When I was 17 years old, and had just recovered from a coma, the doctors told my parents that I probably had some brain damage and I would probably only be able to speak five words a day. The doctors started scheduling appointments for a speech therapist to speak with me. When my parents told me that I was only going to speak five words a day, I said: "What do you mean I can only speak five words a day?"

God's Words is always the last Word. Nothing is done until God says it is finished.

If others look down upon you for any reasons - your health, your income, your education, etc. - prove them wrong.

Bill Gates dropped out of Harvard when he was young. People probably looked down upon him for that. But then he became the founder of Microsoft.

Walt Disney was fired as a newspaper cartoonist for "lack of imagination." He then brought in billions of dollars from merchandise, movies, and theme parks
 around the world.

Helen Keller was blind and deaf. Against all odds, she became a highly intelligent woman who wrote and spoke with powerful words to encourage other people.

When she was 13 years old, a young girl wrote in a diary that inspired the world. In this diary, Anne Frank wrote: "I want to be useful or bring enjoyment to all people, even those I’ve never met. I want to go on living even after my death! And that’s why I’m so grateful to God for having given me this gift, which I can use to develop myself and to express all that’s inside me!"

And if you are sick with an illness - like me - dare to believe that you can be God's exception.
My husband recently told me that when I was in the hospital last September, the doctors were testing me to check if I had been misdiagnosed because they said my disease presented itself "so strangely."

Apparently, with CNS vasculitis, it is common for people to have chronic symptoms of some sort every day, such as headaches, memory problems, and other neurological issues.

As for me, I have had three flare ups with CNS vasculitis - but never had a single symptom in between hospital treatments. The doctors thought that I must have been misdiagnosed...but I choose to believe, that again, God continues to work miracles in me.

"There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world..."....and there is no issue too small to God, that He cannot turn it around into one of His miracles.

Believe, and continue to strengthen your faith. Because faith is the assurance of things hoped for, and the conviction of things not seen (Hebrews 11:1).

"Be not afraid of life"

I saw this quote on my friend's inspiration board when I was visiting her last weekend. I immediately loved it. I think a lot of us can think of moments in our lives when life was scary. Some people, especially after a terrible bout with their illness, choose to live more cautiously and to a lesser degree, because they've lost hope and passion, and don't believe that they can ever return to how they used to be, before they got sick. I thought like that once upon a time.

Some people have even been afraid of my own life, for me, and have tried to get me to act as if I am a fragile creature that if I try to spread my wings, I might break. But if you never spread your wings, you can never fly and see all that you can do.

I am not afraid of life. My life may include an incurable illness that chooses to attack at its own will, but I refuse to let my life be ruled by my illness. I will also not let my life be ruled by other people - on what they say about me, what they may think of me, or their resentment or their approval.

My life will be ruled by my values: my love for God, my love for others, my love for myself, my pursuit of a righteous and happy life.

I believe that my life is worth living. I believe that I am here for a purpose, and that every chance I have to love on others and express kindness is another chance to show others that life is worth living.

Believe in your own life, and you will never have to be afraid of it. :)

God believes in you too, even if you do not believe in Him. He has put you  on this earth for His specific purpose. He believes that you are worth more than what you see in yourself. If you believe in God, then believe that all He says is true, and you can believe more in yourself.

"Stars can't shine without darkness"

We all have hours of darkness in our lives. Hours when we feel alone, hours when we are depressed, hours when we feel like the world has turned against us, hours when we seemed to have run out of luck, and hours when we feel like life cannot possibly get any worse.

But like this quote says, even during these hours of darkness, you can still shine. Your hope can be an example to other people. Your strength can be an encouragement for others who are also struggling. Your perseverance can be your story that you share to help other people.

We can all be stars that shine:)

 

Let it Be - Based on the Original Song by the Beatles

For most of us, when we see something broken, we have an urge to fix it. Sometimes we even have a need to fix it.  If your fridge breaks, you fix it. If your computer breaks, it seems like whole your world will fall apart until you get it fixed. If you break a bone, you go to the doctor to fix it.

When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

There are many things that just can't be fixed. And there are things that can't be fixed right away, and we have to wait for circumstances outside our control to fix them. And it's during these times of trouble, that our only response is to let things be.

When Paul McCartney wrote this song, people weren't sure if he was talking about the Virgin Mary, or the angel of his mother, who was also named Mary. I am not a Catholic so I don't put a lot of emphasis on Mother Mary or a guardian angel, but I do believe that during these specific times of trouble, God does whisper words of wisdom to us. Words to encourage us and give us hope. Words to give us strength to continue.

Of course I don't mean that you should stop and literally listen to words of wisdom being whispered in your ear, but we can hear God's words through other ways in our lives. Sometimes Gods uses people to send us His message. Sometimes God will bring up a thought in your mind or remind you of a special Bible verse you had once memorized a long time ago.

Last autumn, I was feeling tired and useless when all the medications I was currently on were weighing me down. A friend - who did not even know exactly what I was feeling - posted this Bible verse on Facebook. When I came across it, it definitely lifted my spirits. Think upon this verse as your words of wisdom during your times of trouble:

Isaiah 41:10 "So do not fear, for I am with you;  do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you;   I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. "

"And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be."

Darkness is what happens when there is no light. In life, the hour of darkness can happen at different times. For me, the light in my life includes my family, my friends, good health and other things I value in my life. When something happens to my light, that's when my hour of darkness appears. When something you value is at risk, your hour of darkness can appear.

I've had many hours of darkness in my life. My most recent one was just a while ago when I developed a severe allergic reaction for the my current seizure medication. I have already developed allergic reactions to all of the last three seizure medications I had been on, and just when I thought I was close to the finish line and on my way to remission - this new allergic reaction casted a shadow on me.

My allergic reaction caused a bad rash to spread all over my body, and swelling in my face. Last time, the swelling was so bad on my face that it got the point where I almost couldn't open my eyes. I am glad my new doctors caught this allergic reaction early to prevent anything worse from happening, but still, it was kind of a downer to go from being energetic and active one week, and then spending the next week sleeping most of the day on the couch, and going back and forth from a fever.

There's nothing I can do about this allergic reaction. All I can do is let it be and wait it out. I did stop taking the medication so my allergic reactions should stop soon, and my skin will clear soon from my anti-allergy medications.  But until then, I have to let things be. But at least I know that even during these times of trial in my life when I can't see what the future holds, there is always Someone who is Unseen who is there for me.

God has promised us His Holy Spirit, and when we don't know what words to say to God during our hour of darkness, the Holy Spirit does. Romans 8:26 says: "…the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."

"There will be an answer, let it be."

To many troubles in life, we may not know the answers to "why" and "how", and maybe the answer will take longer than we expect. All we can do during this time is to let it be. One of the sayings that stuck with me that one pastor said in church was, "Let go and let God."

"And when the night is cloudy there is still a light that shines on me

Shine until tomorrow, let it be."

Just because we're experiencing times of trouble doesn't mean it should affect everything in our life. When I feel troubled, I know that I can count on my husband to lift me up. And I know that when I'm alone and feeling like I want to fall apart, I know that God's light always shines on me and that He comforts me in the palm of His hand.

Think of the sources of light in your life. What light shines on you when your night is cloudy?

There are many things in my life that I wish I had control over - but I don't. When you can't fix it, let it be, let go, and let God.

It's just temporary...based on "Temporary Home" by Carrie Underwood

I love this song by Carrie Underwood. It reminds us that our trials our temporary, and in the end, our life on earth is just our "temporary home."

Today, I was brushing my hair, and it pulled out more hair than usual. I guess it looked like a lot because my hair is long and black. Losing my hair on a daily basis is still something that bothers me about being on chemotherapy. I know that chemotherapy is helping me, and that soon I will be able to get off it, but everytime I see my hair fall out, or I look on the bathroom floor and see strands of my hair scattered everywhere, it reminds me again that I am not fully healed, no matter how it may seem on the outside.

People tell me I should feel lucky - most people on chemotherapy do not have as much hair as I do. And I guess I do feel lucky. During my first bout of chemotherapy when I was 17, I was in the chemotherapy ward at the children's hospital. I always had thick hair, so I suppose when I lost some during chemotherapy, not much people noticed a difference.

I felt so out of place there. In that ward, most of the patients were children much younger than me, and bald, probably because they were cancer patients and have faced chemotherapy so many times already in their lives. It definitely made me appreciate my own illness - because even though both cancer and CNS vasculitis are incurable diseases - at least CNS vasculitis allowed me to live as much of a normal life as I could. I remember being asked to bake cookies with some of the children and seeing their spirit. Even though they were thin and weak from their treatment, their smiles were big and their spirits were strong.

I talked to my rheumatologist lately, and he said that I will soon stop chemotherapy after I finish tapering off steroids, and he encouraged my desire to go back to work or pursue graduate studies. He said that having such an interest helps people cope with their illnesses, because when people with illnesses do not have something to motivate them in life, they tend to fade away.

I agree. I think that some people get so caught up in their burdens that their life starts to revolve around their burdens. This is why it's important to have a good support system to help you come out of your shell, face your problem, and climb that mountain.

My burden is my CNS vasculitis, and even though I look well on the outside, and I am living as full of a life as possible, every time I brush my hair and my hair falls out - it reminds me that I have an illness without a cure.

But the Bible tells us in 2 Corinthians 4:16:  "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day."

Even though my hair is falling out and I have an immune system that sometimes decides to attack my brain, it will have no effect on my spirit. I refuse to let my illness and my physical body dictate how my spirit acts. I will continue to be cheerful even if one day I have to buy a wig. I will continue to be hopeful for a cure for my disease even when many others have given up that it will ever happen. I will continue to strive to be the best that I can be, even though there will always be a risk that I might have a stroke, a seizure, or fall into a coma again.

Right now, I know that my chemotherapy is temporary. Soon I will switch to a less toxic medication to manage my illness. Chemotherapy is, like the song says, "…just a stop, on the way to where I'm going." I know this year when I am off chemotherapy, I will be applying for work, and hopefully be attending graduate school.

2 Corinthians 4:17 says: "For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all."

In my eyes - even though I will have this illness for the rest of my life until there is a cure - my illness is part of my "light and momentary troubles" compared to what Christians will experience in eternity. And if my troubles can achieve for me an eternal glory that outweighs everything I have gone through in life, well then I think that is a pretty good deal that God has given us.   

2 Corinthians 4:18 says: "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

God is unseen and eternal - when we fix our eyes on Him, and have faith, He promises to carry us through the times of trouble in our lives. 

For Christians facing a burden, remember that it is just temporary compared to what God has in store for us in eternity. Have hope that this trouble shall pass, and that you will come out of it stronger than you were before. Isaiah 40:31 tells us that "...those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

If I didn't have God in my life, I don't know how my life would have turned out because of the troubles in my life. I may have started to hang out with the wrong crowd in high school because I was so angry at the world. I may have secluded myself after my illness and shunned the world, because I couldn't see how there could possibly be anything else better left for me, when I felt that I was cheated so much time out of my life, because of my illness.

If you don't have God in your life, know that He truly does make a difference. One of my favourite lines from my favourite musical, Les Miserables, is a song by the main character, Jean Valjean. In this song, he is conflicted about telling the truth about his identity, even though it will condemn him in jail, but it will save the life of an innocent man.  He refers to God in this line of the song: "He gave me hope when hope was gone. He gave me strength to journey on."

If you know the story of Les Miserables, you would know that Jean Valjean had quite the life. He struggled in jail as a slave for nineteen years, because he stole a loaf of bread to feed his starving family. When he broke his parole, he was angry at the world and committing thievery, but this time, for the wrong reasons. It was when a bishop gave him such an extraordinary act of kindness that Jean Valjean turned to God, and saw hope in his future. He then became successful, and eventually became the mayor of a city.

If you ever faced any trouble that you thought was unfair, you can relate to Jean Valjean, and to many others. And if you are facing trouble now, have hope, because it is just temporary. There is a time for everything, and just as there is time for troubles to start, there is also a time for those to end. We may not know when that time will be, but we can have hope in waiting, and keep our spirits strong while we endure these troubles.

I know that someday my hair will stop falling out, and that the fatigue I feel now is just temporary. I know that my overall illness is temporary. And while I am facing these temporary troubles, I don't have to be afraid of what might happen - because that which is temporary will not define me - I will focus on my goals ahead, the unseen, and the eternal.

I encourage you all to do the same. :)

Life Resolutions - based on "Live like you were dying" - by Tim McGraw

A friend on Facebook told me about what Christmas was like in Chile, where she's from. She told me about a tradition that they had where people would give gifts to Baby Jesus for His birthday, and that this gift to Him would be an area in their life that they would like to improve.

I really liked this idea, and I told my husband that even though we are not from Chile, it is a tradition I would like to incorporate in our family when we start having children. Although this is what people do in Chile, people in North America have a certain version of this during the holidays, called "New Year Resolutions."

Often times, New Year resolutions are made and then broken. The most popular New Year resolutions probably include the promise to start a new diet and lose weight. But after a month, people often forget their resolutions or break them.

I really like the idea of giving gifts at Christmas to Baby Jesus about promising to change and improve certain areas in your life, because instead of resolutions for just the New Year, they are more like resolutions for life.

He said

"I was in my early forties

With a lot of life before me

And a moment came that stopped me on a dime

I spent most of the next days

Looking at the x-rays

Talkin' 'bout the options

And talkin' 'bout sweet time"

I asked him

"When it sank in

That this might really be the real end

How's it hit you

When you get that kind of news?

Man, what'd you do?"

Often times, people don't try to make changes or improve areas in their lives until a crisis. In this song, it takes an illness to encourage the man in the song  to initiate many changes in his life, and improve areas that needed improving.

He said

"I went skydiving

I went Rocky Mountain climbing

I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Man Chu

And I loved deeper

And I spoke sweeter

And I gave forgiveness I'd been denying"

And he said

"Someday I hope you get the chance

To live like you were dying"

He said "I was finally the husband,

"That most the time I wasn’t.

Often times, we take many relationships for granted. We don't realize how important or how special someone's presence is in our lives until they are gone, or until they aren't a part of our lives anymore. A possible "life resolution" is to show gratefulness to everyone in your life, no matter what your relationship to them is. Don't wait to try and improve a relationship until it is failing. 

"And I became a friend a friend would like to have."

Which relationships in your life would you like to improve? Which relationships need forgiveness and reconciliation? Even if you find that you cannot reconcile with that person because it is better for that person not to be a part of your life, forgiveness allows your heart to be lighter and releases a heavy load that it has been carrying, and prevents any strings from being attached to bitterness.

"And all of a sudden goin' fishin’,

"Wasn’t such an imposition,

"And I went three times that year I lost my Dad.

In Canada and the United States, so many of us live life on such a fast track, always looking to rush things. We are rushing in traffic to get to work. We skim almost everything we read, just so we can rush and get to the main message. We rush our tasks so we can have everything done according to the schedule we have set. It is inevitable that because we rush so many things in life, we end up rushing life - and we forget to slow down, and truly enjoy life and appreciate it for what it's worth.

For the person who has been told that life only has a certain amount of time left, who would want to rush life then? Don't wait to be told how much time life has left to "live like you're dying", and enjoy life.

This is a lesson I am still learning every day. I am so used to everything needing to have it's own scheduled time, that I sometimes miss out on the joy of spontaneity. It's something my husband has helped  me with out a lot. He is very laid back while I like schedules…in that way, we kind of both balance each other out. 

"Well, I finally read the Good Book,"

Jesus said that He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Even if you are not a Christian, you should still read the "Good Book" at least once, just to check if you are wrong.

"And I took a good long hard look,

"At what I'd do if I could do it all again."

How many of you, at New Year's, look back on the past year and wonder what would you do if you could do it all again? How would you have reacted differently in certain situations? What would you have said differently to people? What choices would you have made instead? Regardless of how your year ended up being, God has a purpose for everything. Even if we strayed off His path, He has a way of turning things around in accordance to His will. He can use anything for His good. Just look in the Bible and read the story of Joseph in the Book of Genesis, Genesis 50:15-21.

"And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter,"

It takes a stress overload for the stressful person to realize that they need to slow down and take time to relax. And for all of you reading this, I hope that you don't wait for a serious illness to make you stop and reflect on how you can change your life now to live better. For those who do have an illness like me, don't wait until too late to reflect on how to live life fully at every aspect, how to "love deeper" and "speak sweater" and "give forgiveness that you've been denying."

"Like tomorrow was a gift

And you've got eternity

To think about

What you'd do with it.

What could you do with it?

What did I do with it?

What would I do with it?"

Some people are so ill that they don't know how many tomorrows they have, or they have been given a certain number by their doctors. For them, I am sure they spend each day thinking about what they would do with their "tomorrows."  It's not just "tomorrow" that is a gift, every day is a gift. Every day that you are breathing is another day full of opportunities and possibilities. For those who feel like their life is going nowhere, you may be thinking, "What good is my life when I have nothing to look forward to?" Well just think - there is so many good you can do. You can do good for yourself - make sure you stay healthy physically, emotionally and spiritually. For those who experience chronic illness, you may wonder what good can you do when you spend most days laying in bed because you can't get up. Well, doing "good" doesn't have to be just expressed by actions. "Good" can be a kind word to someone else to cheer up their day, or any other "love language" that I explained in my previous post, "Christmas Song #4: Don't Save it All for Christmas Day", such as quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service and a physical touch such as a hug.

And he said: "Some day, I hope you get the chance,

"To live like you were dying."

I don't have any New Year resolutions this year. Honestly, there is no new resolution that I haven't already resolved to do. Unfortunately, I resolved to do these resolutions later rather than earlier.

When I first got sick with primary CNS vasculitis at 17 years old (if you do not know this story, please read my first post), I had resolved to live life the best way I can. I was close to death so many times when I was laying in that coma for thirty-two days. When I woke up, I began to realize how much of a gift life is.

My illness is an "invisible illness" - that means that it's there, it will always be there, even when I do not look sick. Because there is currently no cure for my orphan rare illness, I will live the rest of my life hoping not to have another flare up - because at a bad flare up, life can be taken away from me.

It was almost taken away from me a second time this year in September 2011, when I unexpectedly developed seizures as new symptoms of my illness. I could have died, or I could have lost my mind. I signed a Power of Attorney contract at the hospital that I don't remember signing because my brain lost memories surrounding that one week when I was having about three seizures per  minute. The doctors told my husband that it was possible I would have permanent brain damage, because they could not figure out how to stop my seizures at that time. 

When I recovered this time - after the doctors figured out the right treatment for me - I waited to see what God had planned for me. I certainly did not plan for this flare-up. I was going to volunteer, find work, and complete  other projects I had planned - these were all delayed. It was while waiting for God to discover His purpose for me that He showed me little by little what it was. I started this blog, my first piece of writing I have ever done in a long time, that was not related to school work.

I used to love writing, but when I was 17, before I had gotten sick, someone wanted to hurt me out of selfish anger and threw out and destroyed all my writings, my stories, my journals, and a novel that I had currently been writing for my sisters. After that, I thought to myself, "Why continue writing when it could disappear all of a sudden, so fast?"

It was only recently, after reading my posts in my HOPE group on Facebook,  that Ginny - a friend that I mentioned in an earlier blog- encouraged me to write things to publish. I didn't know about publishing, but I began to write this blog, to share my own experiences.

I shouldn't have waited this long to start writing again. Just because someone could throw out my writings again to hurt me doesn't mean I should never write again. Just like even though my illness can take my life away if it chose to attack again, it doesn't mean I should stop living. Instead, I  "live like I'm dying" - but not in a way that makes me mourn my illness, but instead, I celebrate  as much as I can of every moment of life I have left. 

And after this second brush with death, I resolved to have a better relationship with God - because believing and going to church are nice things, but how can I call him my Best Friend when I don't spend daily time with Him? I resolved to make sure I do my best to spend time in His Word everyday. Since I am not the type to just pick up the Bible everyday to read it, I subscribed to www.crosswalk.com, where I signed up for regular Bible devotions to be sent to my e-mail, since I read my e-mail everyday. And if I can spend time every day to read my e-mail/Facebook messages, I have time to read a Bible devotion. I encourage you all to do the same.

I also resolved to be a nicer person. I get impatient easily and it comes out in my words. Being nicer also meant withholding judgment, and just like the song says,  "I spoke sweeter, I loved deeper, and I gave forgiveness that I'd been denying."

I forgave that person who destroyed my writings just a couple years ago, when I finally let go of that bitterness that had me trapped for so long, and when I did, I found that I could live easier. My heart was lighter, and it was no longer preoccupied with what was holding it back.

Everyday I do my best to live like I am dying. It is easier to do when you know you have a disease without a cure that can claim your life if it chose to. Until recently, CNS vasculitis was fatal for most people because of the lack of research for this disease, the lack of knowledge to diagnose it, and the lack of medical resources to treat it well. Death often followed after 45 days of diagnosis.

Click here if you would like to learn more about CNS vasculitis. http://www.hopkinsvasculitis.org/types-vasculitis/central-nervous-system-vasculitis/

For all of you, I wish you a happy new year, and I hope that you spend every day this 2012 living life to its fullest, and I hope for good health for all of you, so that you may have the chance to "live like you were dying" without having to shake hands with death, in order to do it.

Numbers 6:24-26: "May the Lord bless you and protect you. May the Lord smile on you and be gracious to you. May the Lord show you his favor and give you his peace."